Theft, Preventing

Librarians will occasionally find themselves needing to stop a patron who attempts to leave the library with an uncharged book. If the security gate chime sounds and your first attempt to get the patron’s attention fails (“Excuse me, sir? Sir?”), you may then resort to the use of lassos, TASERS, and/or throwing stars.

Ask the readers: How does your library stop patrons who set off the security alarm?

Thank you, Saying

Nothing says, “Thanks for covering for me while I was away at a conference” to your library’s staff like a free Innovative Interfaces ink pen/highlighter combo that you pilfered from a vendor booth.

Ask the readers: Do you have a favorite vendor pen? Tell us about it in the comments below.

Signs, Making readable

When creating signs for their patrons, librarians should be mindful to avoid library jargon.  You can also make a more deliberate attempt to speak your patrons' language by intentionally inserting grammatical mistakes, spelling errors, and unnecessary punctuation on your BROKE printers, out of order ELEVATOR'S, and KEEP AT "REF DESK" scissors. 

Ask the readers: What poorly written signs are hanging in your library?

Thanks, Giving

Librarians should spend their Thanksgiving holidays reflecting on how lucky they are that they graduated and no longer have to complete ridiculous class assignments like those that they encounter daily at the reference desk.

Ask the Readers: What are you thankful for, librarians?

Gamy, Smelling

Celebrate the American Library Association's National Gaming Day by spending an entire day playing Minesweeper, Solitaire, or Call of Duty: Black Ops on your office computer.  If your library doesn't endorse the rather obvious arcade-library connection, you can always celebrate by playing mind games with your colleagues and patrons instead.

Ask the Readers: How will you celebrate National Gaming Day @ your library?

Books, Bland

If your library's Banned Books Week display is too racy for your patrons, consider adding a complementary display of Bland Books.

Ask the readers: What would be in your Bland Books display case?

Banned Books, Justifiably

As librarians celebrate intellectual freedom during Banned Books Week, it is important that they also celebrate their right to boldly and unapologetically ban terrible books from their library's shelves.  (Yes, I am talking about you, Harlequin Romance's Stories Set in the World of Nascar.)

Ask the readers: What books do you think should be banned from your library?

Banned books, Showcasing

Librarians should celebrate Banned Books Week by showcasing all the really nasty, perverted sex books they buy for their libraries. You know, the raunchy, titillating ones.  With the photographs.

Ask the readers: What is the nastiest book in your library?

Teams, Building

Librarians should routinely participate in team-building games with their library colleagues to increase morale around the workplace.  Some suggestions:

• Play "Pin the Security Tape on the Hateful Patron"
• Give one another "Date Due"-stamp tattoos
• Do "trust falls" from the Circulation Desk
• Host a book truck demolition derby
• Play Dodge-Book (i.e., throwing books at one another)

Ask the Readers: What are your suggestions for library-themed team building games?

Procrastination (Now!), Stopping

A good librarian will always be on the lookout for his or her colleagues who are prone to procrastination.  Be vigilant as you patrol for the following behaviors @ your library:

• Uncharacteristic desk cleaning / filing
• Sharpening golf pencils for the reference desk
• Repeatedly retyping and laminating one's "To do" list
• Making voodoo dolls out of paperclips
• Policing other people's procrastination

Ask the readers: How do your library colleagues procrastinate at work?

Thanks, Getting

Always conclude each interaction with a library patron by handing them a "Library Feedback" comment card which you have pre-filled with self-praise documenting what an awesome librarian you are.

Ask the readers: What will you write about yourself on your patrons' "Library Feedback" cards?

Green, Going

All good librarians should try to out-green their coworkers with increasingly aggressive attempts to make their library work spaces environmentally friendly.  Below are some ideas to get you started...

• Publicly berate coworkers for not using double-sided printing.
• Go "off the grid" and cut the power lines that lead to your library building.
• Hoard empty soda cans and discarded beer bottles in your office and declare the area an "Ant Sanctuary."
• Steal your coworkers' discarded apple cores and banana peels for the fly-infested compost pile you keep under your desk.
• Turn off the lights in the reading room, and demand that all patrons purchase library-issued solar-powered light caps.

Ask the readers: What aggressive green tips do you use at your library?

Interviews (Women), Dressing for

When dressing for a library job interview, a female candidate should always match her twinset to her socks. (The latter will show through your dressy work Crocs).

Ask the readers: What do you think female librarians should wear to a library job interview?

Interviews (Men), Dressing for

When dressing for a library job interview, male candidates should wear one, and no more than one, of the following items to increase their chances of landing the position:

• a book- or literature-themed necktie
• a cell phone on your belt
• a kilt
• a porn mustache
• your LARP costume

Choose wisely, and good luck!

Ask the readers: What do you think male librarians should wear to a library job interview?

Stats, Increasing

One measure of a library's effectiveness is its reference desk statistics.  Librarians can increase their stats at the reference desk by:

• replacing the desk's "Information" sign with one that reads, "Free Office Supplies!!!"
• hiring hotter reference librarians
• making the library impossible for lay people to use
• firing all the instruction librarians
• consistently inflating the numbers to make yourself appear more valuable

Ask the readers: How do you increase reference desk statistics @ your library?

Gates, Securing the

Many libraries are equipped with alarmed gates that set off sirens when a patron leaves the building with uncharged items.  It is then up to the librarian to stop the offending patron and administer a humiliating full-body search for the nearly-stolen item.  Some polite strategies for stopping patrons are listed below:

• Repeatedly say, "Sir?  Sir?!  SIR?!" in escalating volumes.
• Throw a foam boomerang at the patron's feet.
• Use a homemade paperclip lasso to rope and hogtie the patron.
• Equip the alarm to trigger a trap door that will dump the patron into an alligator-filled pit.
• Shrug in defeat and let them walk away.

Ask the readers: How do you stop patrons who set off your library's security gate?

New librarians, Hazing

When your academic library hires a new librarian, he or she should be subjected to a one-semester hazing period. If wedgies, swirlies, and noogies aren't your style, just have the person conduct all the freshmen tours, record the minutes for your library staff meetings, and tally your five-year backlog of hash marked reference desk statistics.

Ask the readers: Do you have other suggested activities for hazing new librarians? Share them in the comments section below.

April Fools' Day, Celebrating

Celebrate April Fools' Day by telling playfully outlandish tales to your library patrons, like, "The library web site is a good alternative to Google!" or "I would love to hear about your family genealogy!"  Hilarity will ensue.

Ask the readers: What outlandish tales will you tell this April Fools' Day?

Victories, Celebrating

Librarians should celebrate monumental workplace victories with Gatorade showers. A meeting that lasts less than one hour? Give the committee chair a Gatorade shower! Faculty members who return books before their due dates? Give them a Gatorade shower! A class in which students make eye contact and respond to you? Give yourself a Gatorade shower! While costly clean-up can be an issue, the rarity of these events should minimize any damages.

Ask the readers: What "victories" would deserve a Gatorade shower @ your library?

Assimilation, Required reading for

College & Research Libraries News should be required reading for every academic librarian as they assimilate into the library workplace.  How else will one learn how to speak, make friends, and "be a person"?

Ask the readers: What other "assimilation" articles would you like to see printed in C&RL News?