Readers' advisory, True crime

Always assume that reference desk patrons who inquire about books on serial killers are themselves potential serial killers; spray them in the eyes with mace or pepper spray.

Staplers, Honoring fallen

Librarians should observe a moment of silent reflection every time a stapler is broken at the reference desk.

Vacation, Preparing for your

Librarians should always secure substitutes to cover their reference desk shifts before they leave for extended vacations. If your coworkers are unwilling to help you out, substitutes can be obtained commercially for roughly $125 (depending on your height).

Reference desk, Reinventing the

Libraries should abandon their stuffy old reference desks and seek more creative ways to reach their patrons. Who needs a reference desk when you can have roving librarians wearing “info vests,” riding a “biblio buggy,” or working from a “rolling reference ‘un-desk’”? (Can’t afford a biblio buggy, try the “biblio buggy lite.”)

Ask the readers: How would you reinvent the reference desk at your library?

Hats, Wearing

A polite librarian should never wear a hat at the reference desk... unless you plan to subtly make it an essential element of your reference interview technique.

Staplers, Repairing

A polite librarian should never underestimate a patron’s ability to find new, creative ways to destroy the library’s staplers.

Ask the readers: Do you have a story of an exceptionally durable stapler, an epic repair job you performed, or a memorial to one that is no longer with us?  Please share in the comments below.

Video, Going straight to

Librarians should occasionally record video of themselves conducting a reference interview so that they can evaluate and improve their skills at the reference desk. Before you record yourself answering the question, politely ask the patron to wait a moment while you apply your make-up, do a sound check, and take a light reading.

Pens, Chewing on

If your fellow librarians chew on all the pens and pencils at the library's reference desk, it may be necessary for you to intervene.  The pencil is a gateway drug that can lead to the more costly chewing of keyboards, staplers, and chair cushions.

Thanks, Giving

Librarians should spend their Thanksgiving holidays reflecting on how lucky they are that they graduated and no longer have to complete ridiculous class assignments like those that they encounter daily at the reference desk.

Ask the Readers: What are you thankful for, librarians?

World, Saving the

Some day a college freshman will write a three-page composition paper in which he or she will finally solve the global warming problem. When this day comes, you -- the librarian -- can hold your head high knowing that you helped him or her find the two sources they were forced to cite in their groundbreaking work.

Tip jars, Setting out

It is perfectly acceptable for librarians to put out a tip jar at the library reference desk. The daily proceeds can be used to buy one cup of coffee to be shared amongst all of your staff as recognition for a job well done.

Scavengers, Feeding

Upon encountering a swarm of scavenger hunting students at the reference desk, it is entirely appropriate for a librarian to hand each of them a copy of the assignment containing all the answers. The time saved by employing this shortcut can be spent discussing your mutual disgust of the assignment and the instructor who assigned it.

Stats, Increasing

One measure of a library's effectiveness is its reference desk statistics.  Librarians can increase their stats at the reference desk by:

• replacing the desk's "Information" sign with one that reads, "Free Office Supplies!!!"
• hiring hotter reference librarians
• making the library impossible for lay people to use
• firing all the instruction librarians
• consistently inflating the numbers to make yourself appear more valuable

Ask the readers: How do you increase reference desk statistics @ your library?

Passwords, Securing

Librarians should secure their patrons' privacy by using a piece of transparent tape to affix sensitive system passwords to the library's reference desk computer monitor.

Exams, Final

Academic reference librarians should welcome Final Exams Week by taking a much deserved vacation.  Before you leave though, be sure to hire a monkey who, in your absence, is capable of pointing to the stapler.

Hell, Avoiding

Librarians should try to do good deeds and live good lives. Because Hell, for a librarian, involves working at a reference desk with an endless line of patrons who want to tell you about their family genealogies.

Briefcases, Beware of rolling

Librarians should beware of patrons toting rolling briefcases.  Those briefcases are loaded with so much unspent hostility that they can't be lifted.  You don't want these bags to be opened in the reference room.

Expertise, Establishing

Always begin your answer to a reference question by stating your educational credentials.  Your master's degrees in library science and English literature will lend credibility to your directions to the nearest restroom.

Handouts, Displaying

Never clean off your library's service desks.  Your display of outdated flyers, bookmarks, maps, comment cards, business cards, fast food coupons, calendars, newsletters, free newspapers, path finders, search tip sheets, and database help guides can just be buried beneath their new, more up-to-date replacements.

Fanny pack, The ready reference

Every reference librarian should wear a fanny pack (or "bum bag" for readers in the UK) filled with office supplies. You never know when a patron will need your professional services to procure a pencil, an ink pen, a highlighter, WiteOut, Post-it notes, a small paper clip, a large paper clip, a 3x5" notecard, a 4x6" notecard, a staple remover, a permanent marker, a pair of scissors, a hole punch, a pencil, a ruler, binder clips, a blank CD, scrap paper, a stapler, a tissue, pain reliever, a Band-Aid, Rolaids, or a condom.

Ask the readers: What else do you carry in your "ready reference" fanny pack?