Readers' advisory, True crime

Always assume that reference desk patrons who inquire about books on serial killers are themselves potential serial killers; spray them in the eyes with mace or pepper spray.

Staplers, Honoring fallen

Librarians should observe a moment of silent reflection every time a stapler is broken at the reference desk.

Aww, Things that make you say

A new Japanese study suggests that viewing photos of cute animals at work may boost productivity. In light of this information, librarians should begin every library committee meeting, instruction class, and reference interview with a ten-minute slideshow of your favorite kitten pics.

Reference desk, Reinventing the

Libraries should abandon their stuffy old reference desks and seek more creative ways to reach their patrons. Who needs a reference desk when you can have roving librarians wearing “info vests,” riding a “biblio buggy,” or working from a “rolling reference ‘un-desk’”? (Can’t afford a biblio buggy, try the “biblio buggy lite.”)

Ask the readers: How would you reinvent the reference desk at your library?

Restrooms, Gendering

When an androgynous patron asks you to point him or her to the library's restroom, librarians can avoid any awkwardness by...

• Giving them directions to the "family" restroom.
• Saying, "Our restrooms are closed for cleaning."
• Mumbling something about a jammed printer and running away.
• Pulling the fire alarm.
• Handing them a paper cup and saying, "Just use this."

Ratios, Librarian to student

A librarian should never teach a class of twenty-five students to do research.  It is much more rewarding to teach them individually, one hour each, twenty-five separate times at the reference desk.

Yourself, Being

Librarians should not use the library's anonymous "instant message" reference service to get a colleague to do their work for them.  While it might be easy to pass off an emailed reference question or request a copy of a hard-to-find article, your cover will likely be blown when you ask them to write your annual review for you.

Briefcases, Beware of rolling

Librarians should beware of patrons toting rolling briefcases.  Those briefcases are loaded with so much unspent hostility that they can't be lifted.  You don't want these bags to be opened in the reference room.

Expertise, Establishing

Always begin your answer to a reference question by stating your educational credentials.  Your master's degrees in library science and English literature will lend credibility to your directions to the nearest restroom.

Fanny pack, The ready reference

Every reference librarian should wear a fanny pack (or "bum bag" for readers in the UK) filled with office supplies. You never know when a patron will need your professional services to procure a pencil, an ink pen, a highlighter, WiteOut, Post-it notes, a small paper clip, a large paper clip, a 3x5" notecard, a 4x6" notecard, a staple remover, a permanent marker, a pair of scissors, a hole punch, a pencil, a ruler, binder clips, a blank CD, scrap paper, a stapler, a tissue, pain reliever, a Band-Aid, Rolaids, or a condom.

Ask the readers: What else do you carry in your "ready reference" fanny pack?

Questions, Stupid

You are professionally obligated to tell your library's patrons that "There's no such thing as a stupid question," even though they will always try and succeed at proving you wrong.

Ask the readers: What is the stupidest question you've ever been asked?

Authority file, Respecting your

At least once per year, one of your library's catalogers should walk up to the reference desk and shank a reference librarian with a letter opener. These public shows of aggression will earn you the respect of your colleagues and help maintain the social order in your library.

Embarrassment, Avoiding

Never let your mother find out that your library has an Instant Messenger service at the reference desk.

Tutorials, Creating online

If your library’s patrons are having a hard time navigating the wealth of information on the library web site, create online video tutorials to demonstrate some simulated searches. If your patrons can’t figure out how to use the tutorials, create a “How to use this tutorial” web page. You can then print this page and hand it to patrons when they wander to the desk and ask you how to search for information.