Sex, Encouraging library-

Librarians should encourage their patrons to have sex in the library. Any additional housekeeping costs can be paid for with the advertising revenues you get from the live stream to your library’s security cameras.

Videos, Teaching with

Librarians should leave it to professionals to produce their library instructional videos. No one wants to watch your homemade, narrated web casts of EBSCO's Academic Search Complete when better quality productions are available online.

Banned Books Week, Promoting

Librarians should be wary of abbreviating Banned Books Week as "BBW" in their promotional advertisements, flyers, and signs. (Google it.)

Affection, Public displays of

If you happen upon a couple engaged in sexual activity in the library, always allow them a few minutes to 'finish up' before escorting them from the premises.  This will also allow you, the librarian, some time to quickly assemble some suggested readings, including a collection of love poetry, the Kama Sutra, and an illustrated color atlas of sexually transmitted diseases.

Abstinence, Practicing

Librarians should never have sex.  The world can't handle it.  Plus, your profession needs your resulting sexual frustration channeled towards the uniform placement of call number labels on book spines.

Innuendos, Using library

With the sexual harassment fuddy-duddies trying to ruin everyone’s fun, librarians are forced to get creative with library-related innuendos for their explicit workplace small talk. Some examples:

• I’ve got something he can check out!
• May I pull your call slip?
• I’d like to cite that in the bibliography.
• I think his index is cross-referenced.
• I think she’s got a little mildew in her special collections.
  

Ask the readers: Got any other library innuendos you’d like to share? Use the comments section below.

Crafty, Being

Librarians should try to carve out part of their library work days for knitting, crocheting, and needlework. Appropriate occasions for doing crafts include your reference desk shifts, staff meetings, and professional development workshops. If these subtle cries for help don’t work, try broadcasting your sexual frustration by starting one of those “I’m a knitting librarian” blogs.

Restrooms, Soliciting in

Do not use foot taps and under-the-stall hand gestures in your library's public restroom to solicit sex from strangers. Do like the rest of us and use the less ambiguous, half-literate wall graffiti to make an appointment.

Networking, Conference

If you happen to get lucky with another librarian at a library conference, hang your lanyard on the hotel doorknob to keep your roommate from coming in and catching you in the act. No one should be subjected to seeing two librarians awkwardly trying to integrate their systems.