Leave, Returning from

Nothing says "Welcome back from your extended leave of absence!" like finding your desk covered with months of unopened library mail, an inbox filled with 8,013 unread emails, and Gary the intern drinking from your Crazy Cat Lady mug.

Vacation, Preparing for your

Librarians should always secure substitutes to cover their reference desk shifts before they leave for extended vacations. If your coworkers are unwilling to help you out, substitutes can be obtained commercially for roughly $125 (depending on your height).

Vacations, Describing

A polite librarian should return from vacation with an intentionally bland description of his or her time away from the library.  No one needs to be teased with thoughts of relaxing on a beach, traveling to foreign lands, or partaking in debauchery-filled adventures.  Instead, spare everyone and say, "I just spent some time at home sewing clothes for my cats and watching reruns of Golden Girls."

Exams, Final

Academic reference librarians should welcome Final Exams Week by taking a much deserved vacation.  Before you leave though, be sure to hire a monkey who, in your absence, is capable of pointing to the stapler.

Vacation, Going on

If you go on vacation, be sure to come back to work with a photo album or scrapbook, a tan, and souvenirs for everyone. It's important to remind everyone that you were off having fun while they were at the library working. Plus, if you don't celebrate your own return, you may come to the painful realization that no one even noticed that you were gone.