Nobody wants to hear your stupid stories

It's one thing to annoy the library patrons (often, it's a good thing), but making yourself a bloody nuisance to your co-workers by constantly talking about your cats, your dumb kids, or your boring weekend is just unacceptable. Seriously, nobody wants to hear it. Save it for when you get on the subway and bother a stranger with that crap. And, above all, do not tell me about that awesome dream you had last night about you hanging out with the Olsen twins and the guy from Bright Eyes. I won't even feign amusement when someone tells me about their dreams. Keep a journal, or something.

Office address, Having personal mail sent to your

Okay, so suppose your wife wants a cd for Valentine's Day, and the cd is by an African musician named Fela Kuti. The specific cd she wants is called "Expensive Shit." Also suppose that your wife works at home and often gets the mail before you can see it. So, you order the cd online and have it sent to your work address, but since it is coming from Amazon.com (as are all of the library's book orders) it accidentally gets sent to the Library's Acquisitions Department.

When you get a call from an older, modest woman working in the Acquisitions Department asking, "Did you order this cd with the shirtless African women on the front? It's called, 'Expensive S-H-I-T.'" You can say, "Yes, I ordered it for my wife for Valentine's Day. Women like 'expensive shit,' right?"

J

Rap Courtesy

when another librarian jumps onto a table and begins a freestyle "library rap," this is to be treated as a gift to you and you alone. it is not a story to be shared with every other librarian in the building. also, it is appropriate and even encouraged to smile and laugh during the performance. it is not, however, acceptable conduct to continue laughing for the following six years. this action might be considered rude and could result in a strained professional relationship.

Prank phone calls, Receiving

You can never be too careful when you suspect the caller is pranking you at the Reference Desk. It is especially risky to mock the person's voice when responding to a suspected pranker. Don't learn this lesson the hard way.

Some people really do talk that way, and they may be entirely serious when they ask you where they can "find some body cavities."

J

Meetings, Commandeering

If someone commandeers a meeting (class, training session, etc.) that you are conducting, it is perfectly acceptable for you to do any of the following:

1) Leave the room with a dramatic door slam.

2) Make childish sing-song noises while the offender is speaking ("La! La! La!")

3) Do an exaggerated impersonation of the offender so that the person can see how he or she looks to everyone else (e.g., "Hey everybody! Look at me! I'm Pat, and I'm taking over this meeting!") You might also talk in a baby voice and wave your arms wildly just for effect.

4) Squirt the person with a water gun. (It works for cats.)

5) Be passive aggressive. Sigh and roll your eyes a lot. Revenge is a dish that is best served cold.

6) Go crazy. Start cursing and spitting and throw a real tantrum. You'll be the talk of the library for a while, but it might scare people into not interrupting you again. [Warning: people might get a kick out of seeing you "go off," so this might backfire and cause more people to interrupt just to see your reaction. Use this strategy sparingly.]

J

Patrons, Making fun of

It is perfectly acceptable to make fun of patrons, but not to their faces or in front of other patrons. Impersonations, quotes (e.g., "I need to find some venereal diseases..."), and nicknames (e.g., Limp Dish Rag) are all good ways to ridicule patrons.

Do not make fun of retarded people. You will go to hell.

J

Custodians, Dealing with

Custodians are people too. Don't be afraid to talk to them when they empty your waste basket. Be careful with what you throw away though... sometimes if you don't have much trash they will just grab it out of the can without taking the entire trash bag. This makes trash collection a very personal thing. "Oh no, that's not my empty Preparation H tube..."

Take care to wrap bloody knives in plastic grocery bags, shred sexually explicit love notes, and recycle empty beer cans in the staff lounge.

J