Raiding the lounge refrigerator, The proper way to

It is absolutely reprehensible to remove items from the pantry that do not belong to you, unless your company supplies milk/creamer for the coffee and you have to open a fresh carton of someone's Lactaid because you bought some Frosted Flakes at the deli downstairs and the only thing in the fridge is an almost-empty bottle of frigging Half-and-Half (what the hell is Half-and-Half, anyway?) so you really have no other choice. You can absolve yourself of this mortal sin by giving a homeless guy a quarter later this evening during the subway commute back home.

Extraordinary patrons, Doubting the powers of

Do not doubt the extraordinary powers of your library's patrons. For example, if a patron declines the offer of a pencil to write down a call number because he has "a photographic memory," it is not polite to ask, "Seriously?! I've never met anyone who actually has a real photographic memory."

It is also impolite to laugh wholeheartedly when -- ten minutes later -- the same patron emerges from the stacks without the book, returns to reference desk, and asks for a pencil.

Electronic books, Celebrating

Choke it up. You must become a champion for e-books, no matter how bad they suck and how much you hate them.

Google, Being threatened by

It is your professional responsibility to be threatened by Google. Worry about your job, the future of printed books, and be sure to use the word "googlization" at least once a day.

Note: Patrons will not get the joke when you pretend not to know what Google is.

Job interviews, Avoiding answering hard questions during

During interviews, make sure you have a plan for answering questions that are waaaay above your head. In these bold new times, library jargon has hit critical mass and it is not uncommon to be confronted by terms such as "taxonomy" "semantic design" or "ontology" during an interview for a part-time circ desk job. The studious librarian should prepare for these situations by either A) updating their professional skills and knowledge of new trends via seminars, conferences and one-day courses or by B) distracting the interviewer with a funny anecdote. Note: while option 'A' is preferable, option 'B' is by far a funnier story to tell while drunk. Librarians desperately need to learn how to tell funny stories at cocktail parties, so your should always go with the funny anecdote.

Scholarly article, Choosing a title for your

Since there is so much dreadful stuff published in professional journals and presented at professional meetings, it's important to come up with a snazzy title for your scholarly endeavors. Below are some general guidelines, presented as potential article titles:

• The colonization of library literature: using punctuation to spice up your article titles.
• Proprefixualization: Using prefixes and suffixes to create new buzz words.
• Misutilization of the word utilize: Mangling the English language in the name of librarianship.
• Bland, boring, and banal: Alliteration as an alleviator for sub-par scholarship.

Salary, On Accepting A Really Low One Because You're Too Wussy To Ask For What You're Really Worth

Do everybody in the field a huge disservice by accepting an MLS-level position for 10- , hell 20-, thousand dollars less than what you should be getting. Do not negotiate with the prospective employer after an initial offering is made. This will ensure that the median salary for librarians stays somewhere between the 'secretary' and 'garbage man' levels. And don't ask for raises or bonuses, either.