Pleasuring yourself at work

It is ok to pleasure yourself at work by doing something that makes you happy, such as drinking a nice Italian espresso, reading about your favorite sports team, or buying yourself a new pair of shoes during your lunch break. Be mindful, however, that pleasuring yourself too often at the workplace could cause a disruption in work productivity. Try to pleasure yourself during slow periods and if your co-workers also habitually pleasure themselves, make sure that everyone is not pleasuring themselves at the same time. Once you've finished pleasuring yourself, you might find it easier to concentrate on work-related activities and you'll be nicer to be around.

Passwords, On storage for later retrieval and use

If you have trouble remembering your lengthy list of username-and-password combinations for all of your work-related websites (nevermind your Blogger username, which you're used to just logging you in automatically, until one day, it doesn't...and you have to dig really deep to remember it), you have two choices: 1) keep a Word Doc with all of your passwords, and risk having some bottom-feeding co-worker run up the Dialog tab on your login or 2) use the same password for everything. Just make sure it's not a stupid password like '69librarian69' because the IT guys have access to all that stuff and they'll gossip about you.

Reminders, Giving your coworkers friendly

Help your coworkers do their jobs by reminding them to check their email, check their voicemail, or to check their mailbox after sending them something you deem important.

If you work with people who really DO need to be reminded of these everyday things, you should also remind them to breathe (so they don't suffocate), eat (so they don't starve), and blink (so their eyes don't get too dry).

Left-handedness, Passive-aggressive

If you are a left-handed librarian, make it your standard practice to rearrange the reference desk's keyboard, mouse, and phone at the start of your shift, and then leave it to be put back to normal by the right-handed person who relieves you.

Shitting your pants, The appropriateness of

The availability of free online books from Google makes it absolutely appropriate for librarians to shit their pants.

http://www.print.google.com/

Seriously. Quit your job. Move to the woods. Learn to live off the land.

Professional development, Participating in

Searching the Internet for new jobs is a perfectly reasonable way to participate in professional development while at the reference desk.

Weeding books, On the practice of

C'mon! Nobody weeds books anymore! This is another arcane library expression that should be purged (or weeded?) from your professional vocabulary. Withdrawing titles is also a little too pedestrian.

SOLUTION: You should de-select monographs instead. This subtle semantic change will validate your status as a library scientist and make you feel like the professional you truly are.