Calendars, Posing nude in

If you decide to pose nude, or even semi-nude, in a calendar in order to raise money for your library, please make sure that you are hot enough to pull this off. Though there will undoubtably be a debate about whether or not making this type of calendar will help or hurt the already pathetic image of librarians, the real discussion should center around why on earth such a fetish as the 'sexy librarian' even exists in the first place. As a whole, we're so not hot. Now, nurses, that's a whole 'nother story. Those sexy vinyl nurses outfits with the short skirts and the 6-inch platforms are hot! What a profession!!

Lay people, Speaking to

Occassionally you may be required to speak with someone (personally or professionally) who is not a librarian. Be mindful that these people may not understand what ALA is. Nor may they know what ILS their own library uses, or even what an ILS is. They may not be familiar with a CMS or portals. Or MARC. Or LCSH. DDC. Or SLA. Metadata. ILL. SUDOC.

If you talk to non-librarians using these words, people will think you are a geek. And they will be right.

Pleasuring yourself at work

It is ok to pleasure yourself at work by doing something that makes you happy, such as drinking a nice Italian espresso, reading about your favorite sports team, or buying yourself a new pair of shoes during your lunch break. Be mindful, however, that pleasuring yourself too often at the workplace could cause a disruption in work productivity. Try to pleasure yourself during slow periods and if your co-workers also habitually pleasure themselves, make sure that everyone is not pleasuring themselves at the same time. Once you've finished pleasuring yourself, you might find it easier to concentrate on work-related activities and you'll be nicer to be around.

Passwords, On storage for later retrieval and use

If you have trouble remembering your lengthy list of username-and-password combinations for all of your work-related websites (nevermind your Blogger username, which you're used to just logging you in automatically, until one day, it doesn't...and you have to dig really deep to remember it), you have two choices: 1) keep a Word Doc with all of your passwords, and risk having some bottom-feeding co-worker run up the Dialog tab on your login or 2) use the same password for everything. Just make sure it's not a stupid password like '69librarian69' because the IT guys have access to all that stuff and they'll gossip about you.

Reminders, Giving your coworkers friendly

Help your coworkers do their jobs by reminding them to check their email, check their voicemail, or to check their mailbox after sending them something you deem important.

If you work with people who really DO need to be reminded of these everyday things, you should also remind them to breathe (so they don't suffocate), eat (so they don't starve), and blink (so their eyes don't get too dry).

Left-handedness, Passive-aggressive

If you are a left-handed librarian, make it your standard practice to rearrange the reference desk's keyboard, mouse, and phone at the start of your shift, and then leave it to be put back to normal by the right-handed person who relieves you.

Shitting your pants, The appropriateness of

The availability of free online books from Google makes it absolutely appropriate for librarians to shit their pants.

http://www.print.google.com/

Seriously. Quit your job. Move to the woods. Learn to live off the land.