Manilla folders, Carrying

Always carry a manilla folder with you everywhere you go. In this folder, have a print-out of a spreadsheet. Any spreadsheet will do, but it helps if it has a call number or two on it. When the library director busts you as you're wandering the stacks with your cup of coffee, produce the manilla folder, pull a random book from the shelf, check your spreadsheet, and replace the book. "Everything's fine here!"

Manilla folders are also valuable when you get busted sitting in someone else's office gossiping, trading advice about job offers, or just catching up on one another's weekends. As the boss passes by, say, "I'd tweak the numbers a bit and see if you can't make those figures match up," then pass the folder to your accomplice.

Never underestimate the power of a manilla folder.

Inappropriate jargon, On using constantly

Only use jargon from a different profession if it will cause hilarity to ensue. Be aware that using said jargon inappropriately could cause psychological fatigue and all-around bad will between members of your office. For example, many bosses use the term 'E.T.A.' which is taken from the police phrase 'estimated time of arrival.' If you are an actual member of your local police, fire, or military unit, it is totally appropriate to use this phrase. However, library managers, should never try to be cute (or, shockingly, in some cases they try to project some semblance of power) by misusing such a phrase. When the boss goes 'what is your E.T.A. on that project for the board meeting?' you have every right to snort sarcastically in the boss' direction. Seriously, E.T.A? W.T.F.?!?!? And if your boss ever tells you to do something 'stat', then you've earned the right to throw something hard in his/her direction. That's just going too far.

Stock Market, Playing heavily in

Educate yourself on personal finance during company time as much as possible. Play the stock market heavily, taking as much risk as possible to earn the highest potential yield. It also wouldn't hurt to get some OTB action or to head down to the dog tracks during your lunch break. And don't forget the roullette tables in Vegas. Bet it all on your lucky number. Eventually, you'll have enough cash to quit your personal slice of hell known as your job at the library. God that day can't come soon enough.

Restroom floor, Library materials found in the

Any book, periodical, etc. found in the restroom floor should be left untouched. Simply go back to your office, create a new location in the catalog for "Second Floor Men's Room," and update the record for the item to reflect its new location.

People magazine, I can understand. Sports Illustrated? Okay. But why the Dictionary of Medical Acronyms and Abbreviations? Or maybe it's best not to know.

Information Outlook, Requirements for publishing in

All previous requirements for submitting articles to Information Outlook have been waived, judging by the most recent issue. Feel free to just type random letters onto a page, write some amateur Penthouse Letters, write about your favorite cat, compose a poem about bowel movements...whatever. If it helps you get tenure, Information Outlook is the easiest way to publish because you don't even have to have a point-of-view or make arguments for or against anything. It's pretty awesome.

Library newsletters, Wasting time writing

No one reads the library newsletter you spent so much time and wit creating. No one subscribes to your library's RSS feed. No one reads your library's blog. Your time would be better spent drinking coffee and playing solitaire on your computer.

Calendars, Posing nude in

If you decide to pose nude, or even semi-nude, in a calendar in order to raise money for your library, please make sure that you are hot enough to pull this off. Though there will undoubtably be a debate about whether or not making this type of calendar will help or hurt the already pathetic image of librarians, the real discussion should center around why on earth such a fetish as the 'sexy librarian' even exists in the first place. As a whole, we're so not hot. Now, nurses, that's a whole 'nother story. Those sexy vinyl nurses outfits with the short skirts and the 6-inch platforms are hot! What a profession!!