Myspace.com, Joining

MySpace is a much-hyped online hang-out for hipsters. Finally let your friends wear you down and reluctantly sign up for an account. Soon you'll experience the joy of checking yet another email account, wrestling with poorly designed personal pages, and politely (yet awkwardly) declining friend requests from random skanks who really like your picture.

Or, sign your library up for an account and see how many friends you can get. Spend a lot of time updating and fine-tuning your library's profile. The rewards you reap will be worth all the time you put into it.

Instant Messages, Waiting for

No patrons want to chat with you about reference questions using your instant messenger (IM) service. Sorry. It was a nice thought though.

Wikipedia, On the inherent evil of

Be sure to drag down our profession by answering every reference question with "did you already check Wikipedia?" Ask the question as non-ironically as possible, and you'll probably see a good 40% drop-off in your daily work schedule. Note: make sure not to reveal the small factoid about Wikipedia being about as reliable as Ronald Reagan's memory when it comes to FACTS.

Conferences, Drinking at

Sitting through a day of presentations with other librarians can drive a person to drink. When you go to a professional library conference, you should spend your evenings binge drinking and being obnoxious with other librarians in the hotel bar. If there's anything more exciting than forgetting that you're an adult and reverting to your oh-so-attractive, old college self, it's spending your down time with more librarians. Be sure to use all your outdated college slang (e.g., "I wanna get smashed!") to make it that much more obvious that you don't get out much.

Windows environment, On pretending to understand fully

There's nothing cool about knowing too much about computers and technology (despite living in the so-called 'information age'). Make sure you avoid becoming a nerd by purposely not updating your technology skills. Remember that you can always make yourself a huge frigging burden by relying on the younger members of your staff to get you by when you need to learn how to email an Excel spreadsheet or to bookmark your favorite websites. Seriously, you're only 10 years from retirement, so you can start phoning it in now. The rest of us don't mind one bit.

Fall, Ahh...

Fall is in the air. Time to break out those cardigans!

Manilla folders, Carrying

Always carry a manilla folder with you everywhere you go. In this folder, have a print-out of a spreadsheet. Any spreadsheet will do, but it helps if it has a call number or two on it. When the library director busts you as you're wandering the stacks with your cup of coffee, produce the manilla folder, pull a random book from the shelf, check your spreadsheet, and replace the book. "Everything's fine here!"

Manilla folders are also valuable when you get busted sitting in someone else's office gossiping, trading advice about job offers, or just catching up on one another's weekends. As the boss passes by, say, "I'd tweak the numbers a bit and see if you can't make those figures match up," then pass the folder to your accomplice.

Never underestimate the power of a manilla folder.