Thumb tacks, On placing on the seat of your least favorite co-worker

Do it!!! DO IT!!!!!

Elitist, Being

You are a librarian. Hold this over the heads of your support staff and constantly remind them of the social stratification within the library work place. Don't do tasks that are beneath your level. Be sure to have exclusive, closed-door librarian meetings. Always keep your day-to-day tasks and responsibilities shrouded in mystery. You aren't a good librarian unless people wonder what you do all day.

Besides, if the staff don't think you're important, who else will?

Ties, Wearing

Don't wear a tie to work. Your coworkers will make fun of you. And you will deserve it.

Alcohol, Drinking while on the job

It's ok to abuse alcohol if it means that your personality will be more tolerable to your co-workers and to the library patrons. Special attention should be given to the masking of routine signs of alcohol abuse such as slurred speech, releasing of strong alcoholic odor on the breath, falling down flights of stairs, and the grabbing of someone's ass. If your boss happens to be a lush, then inviting him/her to one of your daily lunch hour binges might not be such a bad idea. Members of the Good Ol' Boy Network don't have an unfair advantage in the job market because they kept their teetotaler asses tucked away quietly in a corner avoiding eye contact with the boss.

Water words, Using

Always make sure everyone knows how very busy you are. Repetition is key. I'm busy. Oh, so busy. One way to really drive home the point is by using water words to describe how busy you are:

• I'm swamped
• I'm drowning
• I'm barely able to keep my head above water
• I'm barely able to tread water
  
• I'm flooded
• I'm in over my head
• I'm sinking

I'd list more examples, but I'm too bogged down to spend any more time on this post.

Anonymity, Taking advantage of

When January comes and your annual evaluation looms, pad your accomplishments by taking credit for someone else's work. Take advantage of the anonymous nature of blogs and claim to be the author of one of your favorites. "J?! ...of the Librarian's Guide to Etiquette?! Oh sure, of course that's me."

Dumb reference questions, On repeating stories about to friends

It is perfectly acceptable to repeat really dumb reference questions to friends, co-workers and family even if the person of whom you're making a mockery finds out about it. Mock the person by repeating the offending question in a silly childish voice and make outrageous facial gestures. This practice of repeating ridiculous questions should be considered a form of library instruction since it will yield generous rewards later when you notice a huge drop-off in asinine queries.