Technical issues, Overexplaining

When patrons complain about dead links on your library's web site, out-of-service databases, or a disabled online catalog, help them understand what's going on by explaining the technical problems in excruciating detail. Patrons really care about the javascript code running behind your library's web site and what kind of server your link resolver is running on. Really, nothing dissolves patrons' frustrations like dense, technical, jargon-filled hypothetical explanations of your library catalog's problems. When you're finished rambling, refer patrons to an online form to report the problem and tell them to "check back" to see when it's up and running again.

Wares, Hawking

Shamelessly self-promote your library blog by setting up an online store to sell your homemade wares.

http://www.cafepress.com/libetiquette

Lunch break, Strategically timing your

Never take your lunch break before your boss does. Wait ten minutes after the boss leaves before you take your own break. This allows you the opportunity to take a long lunch without the boss knowing when you actually left. This is also known as "the oldest trick in the book."

Note: Complications arise when your boss is using the oldest trick in the book with his/her boss. Depending on how many upline supervisors you have, it could be 3 or 4 in the afternoon before you get to eat lunch.

Thumb tacks, On placing on the seat of your least favorite co-worker

Do it!!! DO IT!!!!!

Elitist, Being

You are a librarian. Hold this over the heads of your support staff and constantly remind them of the social stratification within the library work place. Don't do tasks that are beneath your level. Be sure to have exclusive, closed-door librarian meetings. Always keep your day-to-day tasks and responsibilities shrouded in mystery. You aren't a good librarian unless people wonder what you do all day.

Besides, if the staff don't think you're important, who else will?

Ties, Wearing

Don't wear a tie to work. Your coworkers will make fun of you. And you will deserve it.

Alcohol, Drinking while on the job

It's ok to abuse alcohol if it means that your personality will be more tolerable to your co-workers and to the library patrons. Special attention should be given to the masking of routine signs of alcohol abuse such as slurred speech, releasing of strong alcoholic odor on the breath, falling down flights of stairs, and the grabbing of someone's ass. If your boss happens to be a lush, then inviting him/her to one of your daily lunch hour binges might not be such a bad idea. Members of the Good Ol' Boy Network don't have an unfair advantage in the job market because they kept their teetotaler asses tucked away quietly in a corner avoiding eye contact with the boss.