Librarian, Becoming a

Contrary to what some naive and enthusiastic recent library school graduates might think, one does not actually become a librarian until one gets a job as a librarian. When you graduate from library school, you are not a librarian with a job as a custodian. You are a custodian with a library degree.

Bona fied librarians should take it upon themselves to rub this painful realization in the face of any recent library school graduates on their library's staff... right after offering congratulations on their achievement.

Usurped, Being

When a funny new librarian joins your library's staff and usurps your role as "funniest librarian," don't despair. Instead, look for a new role to embrace. Perhaps you could become known around your library as ...

• the pitiful librarian
• the fat librarian
• the lush
• the Chester Cheetah-impersonating librarian
  
• the funniest second-funniest librarian ever
  

Family, Describing coworkers as

Be wary of referring to your library coworkers as your "library family," even if you do have librarians who fit the description of the deadbeat dad, the overbearing guilt-wielding mother, the retarded younger brother, the slutty sister, the religious zealot aunt, the drunk uncle, the weird brainiac cousin, the reclusive teenage brother, the nihilist goth son, the over-achieving daughter, the senile grandmother, the grandfather who won't turn up his hearing aid, the trying-too-hard-to-be-cool step-dad, the computer geek nephew, the hypochondriac niece, and the toddler who's always crying.

Alpha-librarian, Being the

Demonstrate your dominance over your library coworkers by interrupting while others are speaking, sending frequent mass emails, and calling more meetings than your peers. Should any of your colleagues deny your superiority, you may find it necessary to mount them at the reference desk.

P.D.A., Engaging in

Hostility between two librarians should always be resolved in a public forum, be it at the reference desk, in a meeting, or in a pay-per-view caged death match. These public displays of aggression (P.D.A.) provide entertaining fodder for your library's gossip mill, and they offer bystanders the chance to root and cheer for their favorite library combatant.

Turnips, Squeezing blood from

A librarian need not make a livable wage to be solicited for money. Should your own library ask you to contribute to an institutional fundraiser, politely decline and offer a gift-in-kind instead. Here are some examples:

• Leave your fluorescent lights off for the day to conserve electricity
• Give away all your home-grown zucchini (no one else will take it)
  
• Donate the dusty Reader's Digest condensed books in your grandfather's attic
• Scribble an I.O.U. on the back of a losing lotto ticket
• Continue to work for a paltry salary

Interest, Feigning an

A polite librarian will nod and occasionally interject an umm, hmm, or really?! while suffering through a patron's recitation of his or her family genealogy. These proud orations can go on for hours if uninterrupted, so take precautions and situate yourself within reach of a fire alarm.

There is a reason these people hang out at the library all the time: Their families (which can be traced back "to George Washington's brother-in-law!") won't let these insufferable old birds back in the house.