Reference, Redefining

When writing haikus about the reference desk, a librarian must face the question: does the word reference have three syllables (ref' er ens) or two (ref' rens)? Unsure? Avoid the question altogether by assigning the desk a more up-to-date name. Some examples:

• Research Consultation and Referral Desk (11 syllables)
• Information Commons Control Center (10 syllables)
• The Place Where the Magic Happens (8 syllables)
• Center of the Universe (7 syllables)
• Concierge (2 syllables)

Want to try your hand at writing a reference desk (... or whatever you want to call it) -inspired haiku? Give it a shot in the comments section below.

Computer screens, Touching

When helping library patrons with computer-related problems, be sure to touch your finger to their computer screens. This is especially important when patrons are using their own laptops. The greasy fingerprints you leave on their screens will serve as reminders of "where to click" once they leave and are no longer within reach of your pointing extremities.

Coworkers, Diagnosing the mental health of your

With your idle time at the reference desk, use the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders to analyze the mental health of your library coworkers. They're all in there somewhere. (And so are you.)

Ask the readers: Is there a prevalence of one particular mental disorder at your library? (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Asperger's? Borderline Personality Disorder?) Let us know in the comments section below.

The Media, On Saturating mercilessly with regards to your supposed hipness

It's not enough to get national media attention in the New York Times for being a young librarian who doesn't fit all of the dumb, tired stereotypes so make sure that you make your presence as ubiquitous as possible by yakking to every reporter in the New York area about your little group hangout in Disgusting, Irritating, Self-Entitled Hipster Hell (aka Williamsburg and Greenpoint). And as for trying to remake the image of the typical librarian, how about not going out of your way to tell the entire journalistic world 'See, we're normal. We leave our houses just like you do. Really, we do.'

Team Blog, On Not posting on one for almost one whole calendar year

Create mystery and give yourself an artifical sense of importance by not posting on a blog of which you are a team member for long periods of time (preferably for at least one year). New readers will wonder who you are and spastically search through your old posts in order to get a sense of what you stand for and for whom you voted in 2004. Old readers will try to score hipness points by saying 'Oh, yeah, I remember that guy. I always knew there was more than one person running that g*dd*mned blog.' The oldest readers, though, will chime in and remind everyone that there were actually 3 original bloggers here and that the poster formerly known as 'El Señor' passed away after making only a single post in January of 2005. The body was never found.

Hipster status, Determining your

If you think you might be a hipster librarian, but you're not exactly sure, ask yourself the following question: "Do I socialize with other librarians?"

If you answered yes to this question, you are probably not as hip as you think you are.

Nemesis, Choosing a

Every librarian should identify a nemesis within their library. This person can bear the brunt of all your frustration, moaning, and general ill will. Think of this colleague, patron, or pesky employee as the mascot for your misery. No search committee required.