Booktrucks, Crashing

Every once in a while, a librarian will experience the infuriating and humiliating experience of turning over a cart loaded with books while patrons are watching. There are several acceptable ways to handle this situation:

• Fake an epileptic seizure.
  
• Pretend that you did it in a fit of rage. (Stomp a few of the books for dramatic effect.)
• Jump aboard the cart and ride it out the front door.
  
• Walk away and leave it for someone else to clean up.
• Swear.

Kids, On not bringing yours into the office

It's a time-honored tradition to bring your kids (the smaller and cuter, the better) to work with you in an attempt to avoid doing any meaningful work while co-workers go apeshit over their precious precociousness. Avoid doing this, though, if you don't want people to think that you're a complete asshole. Bringing your kids to work means that when you fuck something up, nobody can really tell you off because you'll have your young, impressionable tots to shield you from any verbal confrontations. It also means that while you're making the rounds and introducing your brats to the entire HR staff (and whomever else happens to be in the office that day) you're allowed to not do any real work, necessitating that your much smarter childless co-workers will have to take up the slack. Having a bullet-proof reason to be in the office while doing jack shit all day will only make everybody hate you more you Starbucks-drinking, SUV-driving, Dave Matthews-listening loser.

Spelling, Checking your

Always double-, triple-, and quadruple-check your spelling before posting flyers, web pages, and other advertisements for your library's special events. Otherwise you might be surprised by the clientele at your library's midnight Hairy Pooter release party.

Reference, Redefining

When writing haikus about the reference desk, a librarian must face the question: does the word reference have three syllables (ref' er ens) or two (ref' rens)? Unsure? Avoid the question altogether by assigning the desk a more up-to-date name. Some examples:

• Research Consultation and Referral Desk (11 syllables)
• Information Commons Control Center (10 syllables)
• The Place Where the Magic Happens (8 syllables)
• Center of the Universe (7 syllables)
• Concierge (2 syllables)

Want to try your hand at writing a reference desk (... or whatever you want to call it) -inspired haiku? Give it a shot in the comments section below.

Computer screens, Touching

When helping library patrons with computer-related problems, be sure to touch your finger to their computer screens. This is especially important when patrons are using their own laptops. The greasy fingerprints you leave on their screens will serve as reminders of "where to click" once they leave and are no longer within reach of your pointing extremities.

Coworkers, Diagnosing the mental health of your

With your idle time at the reference desk, use the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders to analyze the mental health of your library coworkers. They're all in there somewhere. (And so are you.)

Ask the readers: Is there a prevalence of one particular mental disorder at your library? (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Asperger's? Borderline Personality Disorder?) Let us know in the comments section below.

The Media, On Saturating mercilessly with regards to your supposed hipness

It's not enough to get national media attention in the New York Times for being a young librarian who doesn't fit all of the dumb, tired stereotypes so make sure that you make your presence as ubiquitous as possible by yakking to every reporter in the New York area about your little group hangout in Disgusting, Irritating, Self-Entitled Hipster Hell (aka Williamsburg and Greenpoint). And as for trying to remake the image of the typical librarian, how about not going out of your way to tell the entire journalistic world 'See, we're normal. We leave our houses just like you do. Really, we do.'