Odor, On dealing with the pungent stench of the guy sitting next to you

If your co-worker has a conscientious objection to using soap and water to wash him/herself and the odor makes you dizzy and suicidal, solve the problem by going down to the pharmacy and buying the strongest air-freshening product available. For added visual humor, buy one of those royal pine scented Car-Freshners and hang it near the offending stench factory.

Breasts, Looking at

When a fellow librarian tells you about a patron or coworker staring at her breasts, it is thereby acceptable for you to steal a glance at said breasts. But only for a second. Never touch them and say, "These?"

Bowels, Your

Don't be the librarian who continuously discusses your Crohn's Disease, irritable bowel syndrome, and chronic diarrhea with your library coworkers. Keep that shit to yourself.

Love, Declaring your

Librarians should not embarrass themselves on Valentine's Day by declaring their love for the Fed-Ex delivery guy.

Directional questions, Answering

Reference librarians should never admit that a large percentage of their work days are spent telling people how to get to their library's restrooms.

Student workers, Delegating tasks to

Sometimes the time and effort spent delegating a task to one of your library's student workers can take longer and involve more work than just doing the task yourself. Before delegating any task to a student worker, it is often beneficial to ask, "Are you retarded?"

Insane, On slowly driving your boss

Any time your boss asks you to send him/her a link to something obvious such as Google, Yahoo or AOL, send this link instead. Not only is it the wrong link, but you will most certainly release an assload of endorphins in your own brain knowing that your boss probably sifted through a few nuggets such as "How, the first time KITT was wrecked, they called in hundreds of scientists and engineers to fix him, but the last time, they did it in a garage with some kids from auto shop?" Ponder that, boss man, ponder that.