Books, Disinfecting

A library’s circulation staff should always be equipped with industrial strength rubber gloves and a holstered can of LYSOL. It is safe to assume that all borrowed books have been read in the bathroom and are covered in your patrons' feces. Spray liberally.

Austerity, Measuring

In tough economic times, librarians may cut book budgets, lay off staff, and reduce hours to make ends meet, but never purchase a lower grade of toilet tissue for your public restrooms lest you face a public uprising.

Restrooms, Gendering

When an androgynous patron asks you to point him or her to the library's restroom, librarians can avoid any awkwardness by...

• Giving them directions to the "family" restroom.
• Saying, "Our restrooms are closed for cleaning."
• Mumbling something about a jammed printer and running away.
• Pulling the fire alarm.
• Handing them a paper cup and saying, "Just use this."

Tobacco, Disposing of

Please do not spit your chewing tobacco into the library's public restroom urinal. If you need to flush it, swallow it first.

Fresh, Starting

Celebrate the new year with a fresh start by painting over all the racist, homophobic graffiti in your library's bathroom stalls. You can discourage the return of crudely drawn genitals and scribbled hate speech by installing a small sign in each stall that reads, "This space is monitored by video surveillance."

Meetings, Escaping from

It is perfectly acceptable for a librarian to fake a small bladder to escape from a meeting, workshop, or conference presentation. If you play the part convincingly enough, you can even angle for a "handicapped parking" spot.

Poop, Sharing a

Noisily pooping in a stall next door to a fellow (pooping) librarian colleague is an intimate and sometimes awkward event. As you both emerge from your stalls to wash your hands, break the tension by saying, "Well, that was the most productive I've been all day!"

Directional questions, Answering

Reference librarians should never admit that a large percentage of their work days are spent telling people how to get to their library's restrooms.

Restrooms, Soliciting in

Do not use foot taps and under-the-stall hand gestures in your library's public restroom to solicit sex from strangers. Do like the rest of us and use the less ambiguous, half-literate wall graffiti to make an appointment.