Potluck meals, Inviting retirees to

Don't invite Retirees to library potluck parties. They will steal your shit.

I don't think they intentionally try to sneak off with a new casserole dish or crockpot lid, but they're old and senile and may not realize they've left you with a lid that doesn't match your bowl.

J

Cell phones in the public restroom, Using

If you happen upon someone who is using a cell phone in the stall of a public restroom, it is your responsibility to make that person admit (to the person on the line) that they are on the toilet.

You can do this by knocking loudly on the stall door, flushing a neighboring toilet, or interrupting to ask for some toilet tissue.

J

Backhanded, Passive-Agressive Comments, How To Make

While in the pantry or coffee room, it is accepted and, indeed, expected that the librarian should make backhanded comments regarding order and cleanliness. Example: if you see a staff member accidentally drop a coffee stirrer on the ground, make sure you behave like a martyr by picking up the offending litter, tossing it angrily in the garbage can and then softly exclaiming "some people need to learn how to clean up after themselves; I'm not their mother!" Make sure the comment is barely audible because you wouldn't want the staff member to think that you are confronting them. Just make sure you don't pull this type of thing on me, because I will answer with a very direct "I know you're not my mother, pal, because my mother has class and dignity!"

Mr. Rogers, On becoming

When you come to work, change from your snow shoes into your work shoes, change from your warm wool cardigan into your cotton work cardigan, and catch yourself humming a little song about being someone's neighbor... maybe it's time to step back and take a critical look at yourself.

Living up to stereotypes isn't necessarily a bad thing -- as long as you recognize that that's what you're doing.

J

Normal Human Being, Acting Like

Library Science has a long tradition of being the 'career' of last resort. It's the chosen track for people who are too socially retarded to do anything that requires human interaction. Fine. But for 8 hours, can you at least try to represent a little better and make some frigging eye contact?!? It's embarrasing for me whenever I go to a public library and the person behind the reference desk eyes you like you're a martian with 3 heads or that you stink like a heap of garbage. I never let on that I'm a member of the cult, though, because then we'd have to bond for, like, 30 seconds about this great field of ours and that would make me ill.

Nobody wants to hear your stupid stories

It's one thing to annoy the library patrons (often, it's a good thing), but making yourself a bloody nuisance to your co-workers by constantly talking about your cats, your dumb kids, or your boring weekend is just unacceptable. Seriously, nobody wants to hear it. Save it for when you get on the subway and bother a stranger with that crap. And, above all, do not tell me about that awesome dream you had last night about you hanging out with the Olsen twins and the guy from Bright Eyes. I won't even feign amusement when someone tells me about their dreams. Keep a journal, or something.

Office address, Having personal mail sent to your

Okay, so suppose your wife wants a cd for Valentine's Day, and the cd is by an African musician named Fela Kuti. The specific cd she wants is called "Expensive Shit." Also suppose that your wife works at home and often gets the mail before you can see it. So, you order the cd online and have it sent to your work address, but since it is coming from Amazon.com (as are all of the library's book orders) it accidentally gets sent to the Library's Acquisitions Department.

When you get a call from an older, modest woman working in the Acquisitions Department asking, "Did you order this cd with the shirtless African women on the front? It's called, 'Expensive S-H-I-T.'" You can say, "Yes, I ordered it for my wife for Valentine's Day. Women like 'expensive shit,' right?"

J