Handouts, Matching Your Outfit to

When preparing for a bibliographic instruction session, remind yourself that it is never a good idea to match the color of your handouts to your outfit. Especially if you only wear purple and turquoise--your favorite colors--on a daily basis.

Fantasy Baseball, Participating In

It's perfectly reasonable to use your down time to participate in a fantasy baseball league. Just remember, if your team is hopelessly buried by, say, early June, then you should probably stop spending hours scouring the waiver wire for a closer and get back to work. Just remember, if Curt Schilling were healthy, you'd be kicking ass right now instead of entertaining ridiculous trade offers. And remember, young librarian, there's always next year.

*sniff*

Unusualness, Broadcasting your

If you are a librarian with a tattoo, piercings, or punk rock hair, you are obligated to make a web page about yourself. Do your part to change the face of librarianship by broadcasting your own coolness through a vanity web site.

J

Liquor in the restroom, Drinking

If you are the librarian who leaves your empty whiskey bottles by the toilet in the men's public restroom, please stop! This reflects poorly on all of us. Plus, it directs suspicion on those of us who do a much better job of hiding our on-the-job drinking.

J

Deliverable

This is what people in the corporate library world call the end product of a researcher's research. It is that which is delivered to the customer. Instead of calling it something generic such as a report or, I don't know, maybe RESEARCH, it is called a deliverable. This term reminds librarians that they are vital cogs in the well oiled machine that is capitalism.

This one is right up there with "let's talk about this offline."

Brown Bag Lunch, Definition of

The term "Brown Bag Lunch" is another way of saying "bring your own damn food, you cheap fuck." It is perfectly acceptable to avoid any speaking engagement or presentation of any kind that employs the Brown Bag Lunch method. You, librarian, are a high roller and you should be offered food, money or sexual favors in return for your attendance at some bozo's little speaking gig. Stand proud, friend.

Weight, Throwing yours around

From time to time you may be asked to be in charge of the library, particularly when you have reached the status of “senior librarian.” This is a good time to see how much you actually intimidate people. You may be surprised at how much authority you seem to have, particularly with newer employees who have only known you as a “senior librarian” and therefore believe you can cause them problems, such as getting hassled by their supervisor or losing their job. This will probably come as a complete surprise to you, because you still think you’re 20 and goofy, even though you’re pushing 50 and, apparently, respectable.

The best method of exhibiting your superiority is to cruise through the building, stopping by to check on everyone. Have a quick word with them, and LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE IN CHARGE. If they don’t appear to be extremely busy, ask them if they need something to do. You don’t have to provide a chore (unless you just want to) but this lets them know they had better shape up! If they are not at their workstation, go and find them, see what they are doing, and ask them if everything is all right. Otherwise, you imply, they should be where they are supposed to be--working!!!

You may also wait for them to return to their workstation, and then ask them where they have been, how long they have been gone, and what they have been doing. Even someone who was not in the office because they were scheduled to be on the reference desk will blanch and quiver, and over-explain, giving you, the person in charge, the opportunity to become impatient, doubtful, and, above all, threatening.

Just so you don’t start to fade at the end of the day, make sure you have closing instructions for everyone. Look for open windows, then point them out to whoever is left at the end of the day, giving them the completely unnecessary instruction to MAKE SURE the windows are closed and locked. Doors too. If you really want to have some fun, come up with some insane micro-management pet peeve, such as instructing everyone to lower their blinds half-way when they leave for the day, so that the building will have a pleasing uniform appearance from outside! Then CHECK, to see they’ve done it.

If you are fortunate, there will be no actual emergencies or other events that need any sort of attention or judgment, and you will be able to spend your time flexing your temporary muscle, and showing everyone else who’s boss.

Fanny packs, Contents and Sharing of

If you must wear a fanny pack at all times, please be considerate of others when removing personal items. Loose cigarettes, data projector cords, matches, utensils (especially knives) and saltine packets should not be placed on the reference desk while you search for a pencil. Ask to borrow a pencil. No one wants to know the contents of your fanny pack. Ever.

Sports, Not admitting to liking

Don't admit to your colleagues that you like sports, lest you be thought of as low brow.

J

Stereotypes, Living up to

Librarians are really hung up on avoiding the popular librarian stereotypes. Why?! Embrace your identity! It's all about the hair buns, thick glasses, and index finger shushing action! The dowdier the better. Keep it old-school.

J

Dress Code, The Unofficial Librarian

Your library may or may not have a dress code, and levels of formality vary from institution to institution. Consistency is important though. If you are the librarian who comes to work with holes in the knees of your jeans, do it every day. If you wear a tie, wear a tie every day. If you wear a cardigan, wear one every day. There is nothing wrong with living like a cartoon character.

J

Library Job Interviews, Dirty Words in

The following words and phrases should not be used among library staff when you are interviewing for a job as the new boss:

• outsourcing
• cross-training
• paradigm shift
• planful
  
• information commons

See also, the March 24 entry for "Buzzword Bingo, Creating your own game of."

J

Serials, on Monopolizing

When a new serial (that's MLS-speak for 'magazine') makes its way to the cataloging department, make sure that you park all of the most popular titles on top of your magazine stash in the corner of your desk until they are outdated. NEVER put an issue of Vogue on the magazine stacks until after the star on the cover is the subject of a Where Are They Now article in People Magazine.

Cursing aloud, Reference patrons and

Patrons are allowed to curse aloud in the reference room... Especially if they are old and are frustrated that you can't satisfactorily "ask the computer" to find the right kind of replacement tips for their walking cane.

Example: "No! That's the same shit they sell down at the drug store! I need something that will last more than a damn week!"

You are not, however, allowed to curse back at them.

J

Patrons, Fraternizing with

You are a professional. Do not have sex or do drugs with patrons.

J

Escape, Planning an

If you are locked in the library after hours and you don't have keys to get out, do not call campus security. Jump out the window, break your leg, and sue the library director instead.

J

Candy dishes, Eating from

A decorative candy dish left in plain sight on a desk is usually an open invitation to stop by, chat, and to take a break from your day as you share in some sugary goodness. However, it is still appropriate and polite to ask, "Oh, may I have a piece of your candy?"

Taking candy from decorative dishes when the owner is not at his or her desk is really uncool.

Candy hidden in drawers, purses, or pockets is strictly off-limits.

J

Editor's note: An Altoid box is not a candy dish, so keep out unless offered!

Promotion, The Catch 22 of Librarians and

The better you get at being a librarian, the more you get promoted. The more you get promoted, the less real library work you get to do.

Are you good with the public? We'll stick you in an office and let you crunch numbers.

Are you good at cataloging? We'll let you manage people with difficult personalities.

Are you a good researcher? We'll let you draft strategic goals and other management rubbish.

Lesson: don't let anyone know you're good at what you do.

J

Cataloging Your Personal CD Collection

Only catalog your cd collection if you have over 1,000 cd's. Yes, it was funny when you decided to assign Dewey Decimal numbers to your cd's back when you were in LIS school and you and your friends had a good, hearty laugh for about ten minutes, but once you start working full-time, keeping that thing up-to-date will become a massive burden and you will only have yourself to blame, smart guy.

Bore, Risk of becoming a

Librarians should take every opportunity to stop being librarians when they leave the library. Those who eat, drink, and sleep librarianship run the risk of becoming bores. Is this you?!

Warning signs:

• You have professional library journals and newsletters mailed to your home address.
• You read the Chronicle of Higher Education for something other than job ads.
• Your personal email address makes a cute reference to something library related (ex: dewey009@whatever.com).
• You own the VHS or DVD of Party Girl.
• You have convinced yourself that you like the song "Marian the Librarian."

Some suggested remedies:

• Learn to play an obscure instrument (accordion, banjo, etc.)
  
• Take a class in a subject about which you know nothing.
• Get a subscription to a fluff magazine.
• Listen to the radio (NPR doesn't count) and watch bad TV.

Generally speaking, pop culture is good for the soul. Plus, it makes you much more tolerable and less "pervy" to the rest of the world. If all else fails, just quit your job.

J