Google, Being threatened by

It is your professional responsibility to be threatened by Google. Worry about your job, the future of printed books, and be sure to use the word "googlization" at least once a day.

Note: Patrons will not get the joke when you pretend not to know what Google is.

Job interviews, Avoiding answering hard questions during

During interviews, make sure you have a plan for answering questions that are waaaay above your head. In these bold new times, library jargon has hit critical mass and it is not uncommon to be confronted by terms such as "taxonomy" "semantic design" or "ontology" during an interview for a part-time circ desk job. The studious librarian should prepare for these situations by either A) updating their professional skills and knowledge of new trends via seminars, conferences and one-day courses or by B) distracting the interviewer with a funny anecdote. Note: while option 'A' is preferable, option 'B' is by far a funnier story to tell while drunk. Librarians desperately need to learn how to tell funny stories at cocktail parties, so your should always go with the funny anecdote.

Scholarly article, Choosing a title for your

Since there is so much dreadful stuff published in professional journals and presented at professional meetings, it's important to come up with a snazzy title for your scholarly endeavors. Below are some general guidelines, presented as potential article titles:

• The colonization of library literature: using punctuation to spice up your article titles.
• Proprefixualization: Using prefixes and suffixes to create new buzz words.
• Misutilization of the word utilize: Mangling the English language in the name of librarianship.
• Bland, boring, and banal: Alliteration as an alleviator for sub-par scholarship.

Salary, On Accepting A Really Low One Because You're Too Wussy To Ask For What You're Really Worth

Do everybody in the field a huge disservice by accepting an MLS-level position for 10- , hell 20-, thousand dollars less than what you should be getting. Do not negotiate with the prospective employer after an initial offering is made. This will ensure that the median salary for librarians stays somewhere between the 'secretary' and 'garbage man' levels. And don't ask for raises or bonuses, either.

Recruiting new librarians

It is your responsibility to recruit people to the profession of librarianship. Evangelical librarians can accomplish this task by inflating the inherent coolness of librarianship ("We are defenders of freedom!"), pretending to enjoy professional reading and meetings ("ALA is like Lollapalooza!"), and by lying about how much they enjoy their work (I just read novels all day!").

After all, if we don't see to it that the job market is supersaturated, who will accept those jobs that offer insultingly low salaries?

Minutes, Working mundane things into the

A fun exercise for your work meetings is to see who can work the most mundane item into the official minutes of the meeting. Some examples:

• Periodicals will be purchasing a new pencil sharpener for public use.
• Interlibrary Loan reported adding a second address line to the ILL forms.
• Bathroom lights should be turned off each night at closing.
• The Reference Department staff should turn off computer monitors each evening, but leave the PCs on for virus software updates.
• All library staff were reminded to refill ice trays in the staff lounge.

This game will not only increase your appreciation of library minutiae, but also make people read the minutes.

Management Via E-Mail

Make sure that your underqualified, promoted-once-too-often manager ass avoids direct communication with staff by sending out pissy e-mails regarding triffling, unimportant issues, instead of making an effort to communicate directly and verbally. This will give you an air of importance; it will make you seem like you're too important to talk to your loser staff. Don't worry about sinking the morale of your staff by being a non-verbal e-mailer. Instead, worry that maybe your staffers think you've become a useless coward.