Folk hero, Becoming a

Start a library blog. Librarians love to read about other librarians. Write a good one, and you might just end up being a folk hero.

White socks, On wearing everyday

Wear white socks with everything, especially with dark-colored pants and penny loafers that are falling apart at the seams. Occasionally, mask your wretched taste in clothing with a plaid blazer or a stonewashed jacket that you bought in 1985. This applies to both men and women.

Myspace.com, Joining

MySpace is a much-hyped online hang-out for hipsters. Finally let your friends wear you down and reluctantly sign up for an account. Soon you'll experience the joy of checking yet another email account, wrestling with poorly designed personal pages, and politely (yet awkwardly) declining friend requests from random skanks who really like your picture.

Or, sign your library up for an account and see how many friends you can get. Spend a lot of time updating and fine-tuning your library's profile. The rewards you reap will be worth all the time you put into it.

Instant Messages, Waiting for

No patrons want to chat with you about reference questions using your instant messenger (IM) service. Sorry. It was a nice thought though.

Wikipedia, On the inherent evil of

Be sure to drag down our profession by answering every reference question with "did you already check Wikipedia?" Ask the question as non-ironically as possible, and you'll probably see a good 40% drop-off in your daily work schedule. Note: make sure not to reveal the small factoid about Wikipedia being about as reliable as Ronald Reagan's memory when it comes to FACTS.

Conferences, Drinking at

Sitting through a day of presentations with other librarians can drive a person to drink. When you go to a professional library conference, you should spend your evenings binge drinking and being obnoxious with other librarians in the hotel bar. If there's anything more exciting than forgetting that you're an adult and reverting to your oh-so-attractive, old college self, it's spending your down time with more librarians. Be sure to use all your outdated college slang (e.g., "I wanna get smashed!") to make it that much more obvious that you don't get out much.

Windows environment, On pretending to understand fully

There's nothing cool about knowing too much about computers and technology (despite living in the so-called 'information age'). Make sure you avoid becoming a nerd by purposely not updating your technology skills. Remember that you can always make yourself a huge frigging burden by relying on the younger members of your staff to get you by when you need to learn how to email an Excel spreadsheet or to bookmark your favorite websites. Seriously, you're only 10 years from retirement, so you can start phoning it in now. The rest of us don't mind one bit.

Fall, Ahh...

Fall is in the air. Time to break out those cardigans!

Manilla folders, Carrying

Always carry a manilla folder with you everywhere you go. In this folder, have a print-out of a spreadsheet. Any spreadsheet will do, but it helps if it has a call number or two on it. When the library director busts you as you're wandering the stacks with your cup of coffee, produce the manilla folder, pull a random book from the shelf, check your spreadsheet, and replace the book. "Everything's fine here!"

Manilla folders are also valuable when you get busted sitting in someone else's office gossiping, trading advice about job offers, or just catching up on one another's weekends. As the boss passes by, say, "I'd tweak the numbers a bit and see if you can't make those figures match up," then pass the folder to your accomplice.

Never underestimate the power of a manilla folder.

Inappropriate jargon, On using constantly

Only use jargon from a different profession if it will cause hilarity to ensue. Be aware that using said jargon inappropriately could cause psychological fatigue and all-around bad will between members of your office. For example, many bosses use the term 'E.T.A.' which is taken from the police phrase 'estimated time of arrival.' If you are an actual member of your local police, fire, or military unit, it is totally appropriate to use this phrase. However, library managers, should never try to be cute (or, shockingly, in some cases they try to project some semblance of power) by misusing such a phrase. When the boss goes 'what is your E.T.A. on that project for the board meeting?' you have every right to snort sarcastically in the boss' direction. Seriously, E.T.A? W.T.F.?!?!? And if your boss ever tells you to do something 'stat', then you've earned the right to throw something hard in his/her direction. That's just going too far.

Stock Market, Playing heavily in

Educate yourself on personal finance during company time as much as possible. Play the stock market heavily, taking as much risk as possible to earn the highest potential yield. It also wouldn't hurt to get some OTB action or to head down to the dog tracks during your lunch break. And don't forget the roullette tables in Vegas. Bet it all on your lucky number. Eventually, you'll have enough cash to quit your personal slice of hell known as your job at the library. God that day can't come soon enough.

Restroom floor, Library materials found in the

Any book, periodical, etc. found in the restroom floor should be left untouched. Simply go back to your office, create a new location in the catalog for "Second Floor Men's Room," and update the record for the item to reflect its new location.

People magazine, I can understand. Sports Illustrated? Okay. But why the Dictionary of Medical Acronyms and Abbreviations? Or maybe it's best not to know.

Information Outlook, Requirements for publishing in

All previous requirements for submitting articles to Information Outlook have been waived, judging by the most recent issue. Feel free to just type random letters onto a page, write some amateur Penthouse Letters, write about your favorite cat, compose a poem about bowel movements...whatever. If it helps you get tenure, Information Outlook is the easiest way to publish because you don't even have to have a point-of-view or make arguments for or against anything. It's pretty awesome.

Library newsletters, Wasting time writing

No one reads the library newsletter you spent so much time and wit creating. No one subscribes to your library's RSS feed. No one reads your library's blog. Your time would be better spent drinking coffee and playing solitaire on your computer.

Calendars, Posing nude in

If you decide to pose nude, or even semi-nude, in a calendar in order to raise money for your library, please make sure that you are hot enough to pull this off. Though there will undoubtably be a debate about whether or not making this type of calendar will help or hurt the already pathetic image of librarians, the real discussion should center around why on earth such a fetish as the 'sexy librarian' even exists in the first place. As a whole, we're so not hot. Now, nurses, that's a whole 'nother story. Those sexy vinyl nurses outfits with the short skirts and the 6-inch platforms are hot! What a profession!!

Lay people, Speaking to

Occassionally you may be required to speak with someone (personally or professionally) who is not a librarian. Be mindful that these people may not understand what ALA is. Nor may they know what ILS their own library uses, or even what an ILS is. They may not be familiar with a CMS or portals. Or MARC. Or LCSH. DDC. Or SLA. Metadata. ILL. SUDOC.

If you talk to non-librarians using these words, people will think you are a geek. And they will be right.

Pleasuring yourself at work

It is ok to pleasure yourself at work by doing something that makes you happy, such as drinking a nice Italian espresso, reading about your favorite sports team, or buying yourself a new pair of shoes during your lunch break. Be mindful, however, that pleasuring yourself too often at the workplace could cause a disruption in work productivity. Try to pleasure yourself during slow periods and if your co-workers also habitually pleasure themselves, make sure that everyone is not pleasuring themselves at the same time. Once you've finished pleasuring yourself, you might find it easier to concentrate on work-related activities and you'll be nicer to be around.

Passwords, On storage for later retrieval and use

If you have trouble remembering your lengthy list of username-and-password combinations for all of your work-related websites (nevermind your Blogger username, which you're used to just logging you in automatically, until one day, it doesn't...and you have to dig really deep to remember it), you have two choices: 1) keep a Word Doc with all of your passwords, and risk having some bottom-feeding co-worker run up the Dialog tab on your login or 2) use the same password for everything. Just make sure it's not a stupid password like '69librarian69' because the IT guys have access to all that stuff and they'll gossip about you.

Reminders, Giving your coworkers friendly

Help your coworkers do their jobs by reminding them to check their email, check their voicemail, or to check their mailbox after sending them something you deem important.

If you work with people who really DO need to be reminded of these everyday things, you should also remind them to breathe (so they don't suffocate), eat (so they don't starve), and blink (so their eyes don't get too dry).

Left-handedness, Passive-aggressive

If you are a left-handed librarian, make it your standard practice to rearrange the reference desk's keyboard, mouse, and phone at the start of your shift, and then leave it to be put back to normal by the right-handed person who relieves you.