Staffing

When filling a vacancy for a staff position in the library, make sure to hire the first bozo who walks through the door, qualified or not. This will make your short-term crisis of having to hire someone easier, though long-term effects might not manifest themselves for years. God forbid you embrace common management techniques like calling references and holding multiple rounds of interviews. And when you find out that your prized employee(s) have been doing the work wrong for years, you'll be able to take credit for that, you overcompensated moron, you.

Food in the library, Policing

Put your master's degree to good use by chasing undergraduates through the library for their blatant disregard of your food policy.

As coffee shops are becoming the norm in today's libraries, many institutions are rethinking those food policies. Be sure to keep some restrictions on food and drinks so that you'll still have something to be annoying about.

"No lid on your coffee cup, young man?!"

"Is that a spillproof container?!"

"Is that thermos ALA-approved!?"

Resumé, On posting yours on a listserv

Hi. You know that job listing on the listserv that someone posted yesterday? Go ahead and respond to that opening by posting your resumé and cover letter to the entire listserv. Really, it's the appropriate thing to do. See, I keep a mental list of these jackasses and it helps me figure out who not to hire. You're doing everyone a huge public service.

Blogger, Never admitting to being a

Bloggers should remain anonymous. Use a pseudonym. And for god's sake, never list it on your c.v. or resume.

Folk hero, Becoming a

Start a library blog. Librarians love to read about other librarians. Write a good one, and you might just end up being a folk hero.

White socks, On wearing everyday

Wear white socks with everything, especially with dark-colored pants and penny loafers that are falling apart at the seams. Occasionally, mask your wretched taste in clothing with a plaid blazer or a stonewashed jacket that you bought in 1985. This applies to both men and women.

Myspace.com, Joining

MySpace is a much-hyped online hang-out for hipsters. Finally let your friends wear you down and reluctantly sign up for an account. Soon you'll experience the joy of checking yet another email account, wrestling with poorly designed personal pages, and politely (yet awkwardly) declining friend requests from random skanks who really like your picture.

Or, sign your library up for an account and see how many friends you can get. Spend a lot of time updating and fine-tuning your library's profile. The rewards you reap will be worth all the time you put into it.