Base, On not touching

Using the phrase "Let's touch base" is grounds for getting a swift kick in the nads.

Interviews, Walking out of

If you are a candidate for a librarian position and someone from the search committee asks, "If you were a garden tool, what kind of garden tool would you be? And why?" ... it is perfectly acceptable for you get up and walk out of the interview without saying another word.

Overdue books, Back-dating librarians'

Librarians should not make other librarians pay fines for overdue library items. There have got to be some perks with this job. If a librarian returns an overdue book to you, don't make them ask, just do them the courtesy of back-dating the returned item so they won't receive a bill. ...Unless the librarian is a jerk, and then you should really stick it to 'em!

ALA store, Dressing yourself with the

Try to fight the urge to wear clothes from the American Library Association's online store. If you worry that you might go unnoticed as a librarian while outside the library, never fear! Your inability to make eye contact, offer a firm handshake, and carry on a conversation without mentioning how threatened you are by Google should clue people in.

Celebrity READ posters, Decorating with

A cheaply framed celebrity READ poster has no place in your home, so get rid of it.

References, Giving bad people good

Occasionally you will be called upon to provide a reference for a bad library employee or coworker. Giving a truthful response and illuminating the candidate's shortcomings means that you will continue working with this person indefinitely. No one will every hire them if they know the truth. Fudging a little and making the person sound better than they actually are allows you to pass the loser off to someone else. Always consider your own happiness and opt for the latter strategy.

And on a related note: never trust a reference from a current employer.

Non-Verbal techniqes for repelling bosses and annoying co-workers

If your boss is a micro-manager and you just want them to get the hell away from you at all costs, consider making yourself as unappealing as possible. Even a small amount of body stink could make the average person avoid coming within 10 feet of you. Disgusting habits like fishing for ear wax, then smelling your finger are also highly recommended and have a high success rate. Skimp on the Arid Extra Dry, while you're at it, and consider letting your nose- and ear- hair grow out. And it wouldn't hurt to develop bad oral hygiene, either. These methods could have disastrous effects if your job entails a lot of personal contact with library patrons, unless they annoy the hell out of you too.