Groups, Labeling your

A work group is not the same thing as a task force, and a task force is not a committee. Is your department really just an office? Are you a member of a unit or a team? Is your subcommittee really ad hoc?

Confused? Well maybe you need an ad hoc Labeling Task Force to clear things up. Ah, the beauty of controlled vocabulary.

Rhetorical questions, Answering

Are you the type of librarian who answers rhetorical questions?

Base, On not touching

Using the phrase "Let's touch base" is grounds for getting a swift kick in the nads.

Interviews, Walking out of

If you are a candidate for a librarian position and someone from the search committee asks, "If you were a garden tool, what kind of garden tool would you be? And why?" ... it is perfectly acceptable for you get up and walk out of the interview without saying another word.

Overdue books, Back-dating librarians'

Librarians should not make other librarians pay fines for overdue library items. There have got to be some perks with this job. If a librarian returns an overdue book to you, don't make them ask, just do them the courtesy of back-dating the returned item so they won't receive a bill. ...Unless the librarian is a jerk, and then you should really stick it to 'em!

ALA store, Dressing yourself with the

Try to fight the urge to wear clothes from the American Library Association's online store. If you worry that you might go unnoticed as a librarian while outside the library, never fear! Your inability to make eye contact, offer a firm handshake, and carry on a conversation without mentioning how threatened you are by Google should clue people in.

Celebrity READ posters, Decorating with

A cheaply framed celebrity READ poster has no place in your home, so get rid of it.

References, Giving bad people good

Occasionally you will be called upon to provide a reference for a bad library employee or coworker. Giving a truthful response and illuminating the candidate's shortcomings means that you will continue working with this person indefinitely. No one will every hire them if they know the truth. Fudging a little and making the person sound better than they actually are allows you to pass the loser off to someone else. Always consider your own happiness and opt for the latter strategy.

And on a related note: never trust a reference from a current employer.

Non-Verbal techniqes for repelling bosses and annoying co-workers

If your boss is a micro-manager and you just want them to get the hell away from you at all costs, consider making yourself as unappealing as possible. Even a small amount of body stink could make the average person avoid coming within 10 feet of you. Disgusting habits like fishing for ear wax, then smelling your finger are also highly recommended and have a high success rate. Skimp on the Arid Extra Dry, while you're at it, and consider letting your nose- and ear- hair grow out. And it wouldn't hurt to develop bad oral hygiene, either. These methods could have disastrous effects if your job entails a lot of personal contact with library patrons, unless they annoy the hell out of you too.

Business cards, Practical uses for

Librarians rarely have occasion to use professional business cards. Once you've given one of your cards to each member of your family and to your friends, the initial "Hey, I just got new business cards!" excitement may begin to fade. Now you find yourself with a dusty box tucked away in the bottom drawer of your desk.

Below, you will find a list of practical uses for librarians who find themselves trying to unload some business cards:

• making short grocery lists on the back
  
• entering "free entree" drawings at your favorite fast food joint
• makeshift bookmarks
• luggage tags
  

Graffiti, Being creative with restroom

Racist and homophobic epithets are so passé when it comes to restroom stall graffiti. Declarations about the size of one's own sexual organs are also overused and, frankly, often untrue. Greek letters representing fraternities are tired. And despite the convincing note, you may determine after repeated calls that this Mandy person may NOT want "to have a good time" after all.

So what's a restroom author to do?

Spice things up a bit with a creative use of space, language, and drawings. A recent example: Near the top of the stall door, in small cursive, far above the cluster of notes written in arm's reach of the toilet, was a note that read: My arms are longer than yours.

Attire, On What to Wear When Interviewing Candidates For a Job

If you are a manager, make sure you dress yourself like a peasant when you interview prospective candidates for a job in your library. While the guy you're interviewing is dressed in a sharp suit that obviously costs more than your whole wardrobe, make sure you put out the wrong impression by dressing like a slob and send a message that this interview isn't that important to you. You only represent the entire department, you lousy dresser you. Bonus points for reeking like raw sewage.

Technologies, Co-opting new

Keep up to date with new technologies that you can co-opt for library use. So what if no one will ever listen to the pod casts of your bibliographic instruction lectures, subscribe to the RSS feeds from your library's blog, send your reference librarian instant messages, or view your library's profile on facebook.com? At least you did your part to make all these cool technologies a little bit lamer.

Browsers, Being evangelical about

Make all of your coworkers aware of which browser you endorse. Bring it up often in case people forget. Frame every discussion in terms of your preferred browser: "But have you looked at the online catalog through Netscape?" Realize that other people may not appreciate your browser like you do and that it is your responsibility to enlighten them. Go forth and spread the gospel. And while you're at it, launch an aggressive campaign to make all the library's public workstations reflect your browser preference too.

Editor's note: This post created with Mozilla Firefox 1.0.7.

Fragrances, Wearing

Make yourself more attractive to patrons, coworkers, and potential mates by regularly dousing yourself with cologne or perfume. Nothing hides the unpleasant olfactory combination of musty books and coffee breath like a splash of your favorite bottled fragrance.

Food, Stinking up the whole damn library with your

Occasionally you may need to eat lunch in your office. Close your door so the smell doesn't choke everyone in the library. And PLEASE... take your leftovers, food wrappers, and other smelly trash to an outdoor trash can. There is no reason anyone else in the library should have to smell your microwavable corndogs, Lean Cuisine linguine, or leftover fried fish.

And don't pop microwave popcorn unless you make enough for everyone. Mmm, popcorn smells so good.

Staffing

When filling a vacancy for a staff position in the library, make sure to hire the first bozo who walks through the door, qualified or not. This will make your short-term crisis of having to hire someone easier, though long-term effects might not manifest themselves for years. God forbid you embrace common management techniques like calling references and holding multiple rounds of interviews. And when you find out that your prized employee(s) have been doing the work wrong for years, you'll be able to take credit for that, you overcompensated moron, you.

Food in the library, Policing

Put your master's degree to good use by chasing undergraduates through the library for their blatant disregard of your food policy.

As coffee shops are becoming the norm in today's libraries, many institutions are rethinking those food policies. Be sure to keep some restrictions on food and drinks so that you'll still have something to be annoying about.

"No lid on your coffee cup, young man?!"

"Is that a spillproof container?!"

"Is that thermos ALA-approved!?"

Resumé, On posting yours on a listserv

Hi. You know that job listing on the listserv that someone posted yesterday? Go ahead and respond to that opening by posting your resumé and cover letter to the entire listserv. Really, it's the appropriate thing to do. See, I keep a mental list of these jackasses and it helps me figure out who not to hire. You're doing everyone a huge public service.

Blogger, Never admitting to being a

Bloggers should remain anonymous. Use a pseudonym. And for god's sake, never list it on your c.v. or resume.