Vacancies, Filling

There are five basic steps for hiring a new librarian:

1. Advertise the position
2. Review applications
3. Interview candidates
   
4. Deliberate over finalists
5. Offer the position

Be sure to wait 1-2 months between each step of the process so that all your best candidates will have already accepted positions elsewhere. Repeat as necessary.

Your library will eventually hire someone, even if they end up scraping the dregs from the bottom of the unemployment pool.

Incest, Professional

Never date another librarian. It's just sick. Plus the pillow talk would be b-o-r-i-n-g.

Also...

Never marry another librarian. Should you manage to reproduce together, your children will be misshapen. If you have no other options, just stay at home with your seven cats.

Paranoid, Being

Don't let your library colleagues (even the cool ones) find out that you have a blog in which you make fun of fellow librarians. Eventually their good senses of humor will give way to gnawing paranoia that will make them think that every new post is about them. Given this post, for once, they might actually be right.

Intercom, Using the library

The library intercom is not a toy. Things to avoid:

• Paging patrons or coworkers (Perhaps adding a curt, "This isn't Wal-mart," to the requester)
  
• Rigging up your iPod to share your love of Neil Diamond with the rest of the library
  
• Serenading potential lovers
• Mass Ssshh!-ing
• Engaging in hollering contests

Mass email, Sending

Do not annoy your library coworkers by sending too many mass email messages. Mass emails should be sent sparingly, and only when absolutely necessary.

A librarian should be given a lifetime quota of mass emails (say... 15?) when signing an employment contract at his or her library. Once the quota is reached, the librarian's email account would then auto-delete and the offender would be ejected from his or her chair, out of the library, and into the fiery pits of Hell.

Grandpa-like, Being

When your library's student workers giggle and tell you that you dress like their grandfathers, you should take this as a compliment. Acknowledge the compliment by bringing them hard candy and nickels. They also find it charming when you regale them with stories about the days when InfoTrac was on CD-ROM.

Degreed, Being terminally

The American Library Association's Statement on the Terminal Professional Degree for Academic Librarians reads:

The master's degree in library science from a library school program accredited by the American Library Association is the appropriate terminal professional degree for academic librarians.

... With that said, go get yourself a second master's degree in a non-library discipline. Most academic libraries won't hire or promote you without one.