Interest, Feigning an

A polite librarian will nod and occasionally interject an umm, hmm, or really?! while suffering through a patron's recitation of his or her family genealogy. These proud orations can go on for hours if uninterrupted, so take precautions and situate yourself within reach of a fire alarm.

There is a reason these people hang out at the library all the time: Their families (which can be traced back "to George Washington's brother-in-law!") won't let these insufferable old birds back in the house.

Fresh, Keeping it

Spice up your humdrum library life by getting a fresh haircut, trendy glasses, or a handsome new cardigan every now and then.

And do the same with your library blog or web site. A periodic change of color and/or layout will only make your content seem all the more brilliant.

(Note to readers: This is where you all post and tell us how you liked the old layout so much better ...)

Job listings, On not listing the salary within

If you are an employer looking to staff a vacant library position, make sure that you do not list a salary (or even a salary range!!!) in the job description. Do, however, require that qualified candidates send you his/her salary requirements with the resumé and cover letter. When you interview the candidates for the job, it will be quietly understood that if your salary demands are too high, there's another joker waiting in line behind you who has already low-balled himself enough to undermine your demands. This practice will not only keep librarian salaries low forever, it will ensure your warm special place in hell right next to the asshole who came up with those annoying Chrysler "Dr. Z" commercials.

Vacancies, Filling

There are five basic steps for hiring a new librarian:

1. Advertise the position
2. Review applications
3. Interview candidates
   
4. Deliberate over finalists
5. Offer the position

Be sure to wait 1-2 months between each step of the process so that all your best candidates will have already accepted positions elsewhere. Repeat as necessary.

Your library will eventually hire someone, even if they end up scraping the dregs from the bottom of the unemployment pool.

Incest, Professional

Never date another librarian. It's just sick. Plus the pillow talk would be b-o-r-i-n-g.

Also...

Never marry another librarian. Should you manage to reproduce together, your children will be misshapen. If you have no other options, just stay at home with your seven cats.

Paranoid, Being

Don't let your library colleagues (even the cool ones) find out that you have a blog in which you make fun of fellow librarians. Eventually their good senses of humor will give way to gnawing paranoia that will make them think that every new post is about them. Given this post, for once, they might actually be right.

Intercom, Using the library

The library intercom is not a toy. Things to avoid:

• Paging patrons or coworkers (Perhaps adding a curt, "This isn't Wal-mart," to the requester)
  
• Rigging up your iPod to share your love of Neil Diamond with the rest of the library
  
• Serenading potential lovers
• Mass Ssshh!-ing
• Engaging in hollering contests