Suggestions, Making

A librarian should use the library's suggestion box to anonymously suggest unpopular (and/or expensive) ideas that he or she secretly endorses.

• "Get new/better signage."
• "Get rid of that ghastly art work in the reading room!"
• "Restock the white chocolate Reese's Cups in the vending machine!"
• "Buy more black, urban, lesbian erotica!"
• "Forget the coffee shop... I'd like to see a pub!"

Ideas like these often get more traction if they come from the library's users and not from self-interested librarians. It also helps to sign the anonymous suggestion with the initials of the library director's supervisor.

Words, Making up

Librarians are often riveting conversationalists because of their overuse of acronyms and library jargon. Another powerful, yet often overlooked, professional conversation tool is that of the made-up word. The trick is to take a normal word and add a suffix or two to it.

An example: find + able + ity = findability.

Can you find this word in a dictionary? No, it has no findability.

[Note: The editors invite their loyal readers to post their own made-up words in the comments section below.]

Savvy, Demonstrating your technical

Show your library's users that you are a modern, technologically-competent information professional by taking the following actions:

• Avoid the [enter] key and type your email messages in large, single-block paragraphs
• Name your files using the first line of your document's text (e.g., As a means of improving.doc)
• Print handouts for PowerPoint presentations... one-slide per page
• Double click on web links during presentations
  
• Leave the body of your email messages blank and type the entire content of your message in the subject line instead
  

Ninjas, (Not) Disturbing

If you wander down a hallway and happen upon a fellow librarian pantomiming martial arts moves in his office, it is best not to disturb this person.

Though it may look hilarious, don't laugh. Do your best to sneak away unnoticed and never mention it again. Your coworker may indeed be a ninja armed with throwing stars, a sword, and the ability to rip out your heart with his bare hands. Better to err on the side of caution.

Extreme emails, Sending

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ETIQUETTE RULE!! (READ IMMEDIATELY! THE FUTURE OF LIBRARIANSHIP DEPENDS ON IT!!!)

Flag all your outgoing email messages with subject lines expressing the importance and urgency of their content through liberal use of capital letters, hyperbole, and exclamation points. Be consistent with your urgency so that everyone will know the importance of everything you do.

Brief, Being

A professional librarian's time is precious. And so is your patrons'. Shorten your library instruction lectures into as few words as possible...

• Click here. Try different keywords.

Give this lecture and use the time you save to do something productive... like shelf-reading.

Caveman, Going

If your library's Internet connection goes down for the day, it may be necessary to revert to "caveman mode." Throw a computer monitor through the front of the vending machine to get some strawberry Poptarts, club a potential mate over the head with a volume of the Oxford English Dictionary, and try to start a fire in your cubicle using your reading glasses and some brittle items from the special collections department.