Phone, Answering the

There are a few simple rules to follow when answering a telephone on behalf of your library...

1. Always answer with a long, detailed greeting including your name, title, rank, department, and the name of your library. (This is especially helpful with internal calls.)
2. Read from an institutionally assigned script.
   
3. Never answer with just a last name: "Stabler." It works for t.v. detectives; not librarians.
   
4. Mumble.
5. Never, under any circumstances, answer with a simple, "Hello?"
   

If these rules are too stressful, just let the phone call ring through to voice mail. You can always email a reply and avoid speaking to another live human being.

Rejected, Being

After interviewing for a library job, it is customary to send thank you notes to the individual search committee members. If you suspect that there's a chance you won't get the job and you plan to send a follow-up voodoo death curse, be sure to collect a strand of hair from each of the committee members during the interview.

Sexual harassment, Skirting

Librarians can disregard sexual harassment guidelines and policies whenever a coworker gets a boob job. An event this scandalous makes discussion of cup sizes, nipples, coworkers' breasts (or lack thereof), nicknames for breasts, great breasts in history, breasts you have known, etc., perfectly acceptable topics of conversation. Be aware that this window of opportunity closes once the person returns from their surgery.

Note: It is never acceptable to grope a coworker without their consent.

Halloween, Dressing up for

The best costume for your library’s Halloween party is one that requires a lot of explanation (e.g., minor characters from Star Trek). Also, be aware that even if you do choose a sexy costume over a scary one, your coworkers will still most likely be frightened.

Books, P-

When speaking with patrons and colleagues about books, librarians should distinguish between print books and electronic books by using the shortened phrases: p-books and e-books. P-books may also be referred to as:

• old-fashioned books
• real books
• printed e-books
• off-line resources
• those things they sell in bookstores

Support Staff, Naming

The perception of a librarian/staff divide can be a sensitive issue for many who work in libraries. Library adminstrators should be aware of this, and thus name their staff something that says, "We value you and the work you do." Some examples:

• Nonprofessionals (or similarly: Unprofessionals)
• Library Helpers
• Information Custodians
• The Others
• "Librarians"

Birthday, Broadcasting your

Start reminding your coworkers about your upcoming birthday weeks in advance. It is your responsibility to make sure they have time to collect enough money to buy you that 2GB iPod nano you've been wanting.