Sick, Being

Sick days are for the weak. Drag yourself into the library despite any contagious colds, stomach viruses, or flesh eating diseases you may have. As an important information professional, you owe it to your library to be there barring an amputation, decapitation, or death.

Your colleagues and patrons will be so thankful that you came in to save the library that they'll hardly notice the reference desk telephone, public photocopier, and various doorknobs you've contaminated with your sneezes, coughs, and other secretions.

Time, Taking your

Hiring an academic librarian is a big deal. Be patient and do not rush the process, no matter how excruciatingly slow it may seem. There is a reason that it takes longer than...

• growing your hair out
• filming a season of Survivor
• confirming a lifetime appointment to the U.S. Supreme Court
• delivering due process to prisoners at Gitmo
• creating a new human life (from foreplay to delivery)

That reason may not be obvious to you, but there must be a reason.

Tooth-brushing, Workplace-

While good hygiene is important for any librarian, one should not go overboard. Do not engage in workplace-tooth-brushing unless you...

• Are about to leave work to go to the dentist
• Receive anonymous emails complaining about your breath
• Spent the night alone in the library, drinking in your office
  
• Are preparing to make out with a custodian in the broom closet
• Did something really perverted with your mouth

Otherwise, eat a mint or chew some gum like everyone else.

Phone, Answering the

There are a few simple rules to follow when answering a telephone on behalf of your library...

1. Always answer with a long, detailed greeting including your name, title, rank, department, and the name of your library. (This is especially helpful with internal calls.)
2. Read from an institutionally assigned script.
   
3. Never answer with just a last name: "Stabler." It works for t.v. detectives; not librarians.
   
4. Mumble.
5. Never, under any circumstances, answer with a simple, "Hello?"
   

If these rules are too stressful, just let the phone call ring through to voice mail. You can always email a reply and avoid speaking to another live human being.

Rejected, Being

After interviewing for a library job, it is customary to send thank you notes to the individual search committee members. If you suspect that there's a chance you won't get the job and you plan to send a follow-up voodoo death curse, be sure to collect a strand of hair from each of the committee members during the interview.

Sexual harassment, Skirting

Librarians can disregard sexual harassment guidelines and policies whenever a coworker gets a boob job. An event this scandalous makes discussion of cup sizes, nipples, coworkers' breasts (or lack thereof), nicknames for breasts, great breasts in history, breasts you have known, etc., perfectly acceptable topics of conversation. Be aware that this window of opportunity closes once the person returns from their surgery.

Note: It is never acceptable to grope a coworker without their consent.

Halloween, Dressing up for

The best costume for your library’s Halloween party is one that requires a lot of explanation (e.g., minor characters from Star Trek). Also, be aware that even if you do choose a sexy costume over a scary one, your coworkers will still most likely be frightened.