Sexy Back, Bringing

Never let your library coworkers catch you listening to Justin Timberlake on your office computer. You will never hear the end of it.

Interviews, Being cool during

A librarian should play hard-to-get while interviewing for a job. Never let yourself drool with delight at the mention of the prospective salary. Don't moan with pleasure at the sight of your potential office. And don't wet yourself with anticipation when you get winked at by the office slut.

Also, during your interview, limit yourself to three whines of the word "please" while clutching onto the Director's leg. Anything more would just make you seem desperate.

Second Life, Joining

Librarians should think twice before joining Second Life in an attempt to connect with patrons. Your patrons don't want to be friends with you in real life, so it's not likely that they'll be interested in hanging out with your avatar.

Networking, Conference

If you happen to get lucky with another librarian at a library conference, hang your lanyard on the hotel doorknob to keep your roommate from coming in and catching you in the act. No one should be subjected to seeing two librarians awkwardly trying to integrate their systems.

Anniversaries and birthdays, Celebrating

Keep a detailed log of your library coworkers' anniversaries and other miscellaneous milestones. Don't limit your celebrations to library events ("Joe, congratulations on your fifth year in the Cataloging Department!"). Your coworkers will be flattered to learn that you keep a detailed record of their extracurricular activities, romantic relationships, and rehab milestones.


[Editor's note: Today marks the two year birthday of A Librarian's Guide to Etiquette. Celebrate by doing something rude to a coworker.]

Greeting cards, Disposing of

Never dispose of a birthday card, Christmas card, or a card of congratulations from a library colleague. Keep them filed away (preferably by the last name of the sender) as a record of who your real friends are. How else will you remember who said, "Have a great one!" in 1997?

Sick, Being

Sick days are for the weak. Drag yourself into the library despite any contagious colds, stomach viruses, or flesh eating diseases you may have. As an important information professional, you owe it to your library to be there barring an amputation, decapitation, or death.

Your colleagues and patrons will be so thankful that you came in to save the library that they'll hardly notice the reference desk telephone, public photocopier, and various doorknobs you've contaminated with your sneezes, coughs, and other secretions.

Time, Taking your

Hiring an academic librarian is a big deal. Be patient and do not rush the process, no matter how excruciatingly slow it may seem. There is a reason that it takes longer than...

• growing your hair out
• filming a season of Survivor
• confirming a lifetime appointment to the U.S. Supreme Court
• delivering due process to prisoners at Gitmo
• creating a new human life (from foreplay to delivery)

That reason may not be obvious to you, but there must be a reason.

Tooth-brushing, Workplace-

While good hygiene is important for any librarian, one should not go overboard. Do not engage in workplace-tooth-brushing unless you...

• Are about to leave work to go to the dentist
• Receive anonymous emails complaining about your breath
• Spent the night alone in the library, drinking in your office
  
• Are preparing to make out with a custodian in the broom closet
• Did something really perverted with your mouth

Otherwise, eat a mint or chew some gum like everyone else.

Phone, Answering the

There are a few simple rules to follow when answering a telephone on behalf of your library...

1. Always answer with a long, detailed greeting including your name, title, rank, department, and the name of your library. (This is especially helpful with internal calls.)
2. Read from an institutionally assigned script.
   
3. Never answer with just a last name: "Stabler." It works for t.v. detectives; not librarians.
   
4. Mumble.
5. Never, under any circumstances, answer with a simple, "Hello?"
   

If these rules are too stressful, just let the phone call ring through to voice mail. You can always email a reply and avoid speaking to another live human being.

Rejected, Being

After interviewing for a library job, it is customary to send thank you notes to the individual search committee members. If you suspect that there's a chance you won't get the job and you plan to send a follow-up voodoo death curse, be sure to collect a strand of hair from each of the committee members during the interview.

Sexual harassment, Skirting

Librarians can disregard sexual harassment guidelines and policies whenever a coworker gets a boob job. An event this scandalous makes discussion of cup sizes, nipples, coworkers' breasts (or lack thereof), nicknames for breasts, great breasts in history, breasts you have known, etc., perfectly acceptable topics of conversation. Be aware that this window of opportunity closes once the person returns from their surgery.

Note: It is never acceptable to grope a coworker without their consent.

Halloween, Dressing up for

The best costume for your library’s Halloween party is one that requires a lot of explanation (e.g., minor characters from Star Trek). Also, be aware that even if you do choose a sexy costume over a scary one, your coworkers will still most likely be frightened.

Books, P-

When speaking with patrons and colleagues about books, librarians should distinguish between print books and electronic books by using the shortened phrases: p-books and e-books. P-books may also be referred to as:

• old-fashioned books
• real books
• printed e-books
• off-line resources
• those things they sell in bookstores

Support Staff, Naming

The perception of a librarian/staff divide can be a sensitive issue for many who work in libraries. Library adminstrators should be aware of this, and thus name their staff something that says, "We value you and the work you do." Some examples:

• Nonprofessionals (or similarly: Unprofessionals)
• Library Helpers
• Information Custodians
• The Others
• "Librarians"

Birthday, Broadcasting your

Start reminding your coworkers about your upcoming birthday weeks in advance. It is your responsibility to make sure they have time to collect enough money to buy you that 2GB iPod nano you've been wanting.

Suggestions, Making

A librarian should use the library's suggestion box to anonymously suggest unpopular (and/or expensive) ideas that he or she secretly endorses.

• "Get new/better signage."
• "Get rid of that ghastly art work in the reading room!"
• "Restock the white chocolate Reese's Cups in the vending machine!"
• "Buy more black, urban, lesbian erotica!"
• "Forget the coffee shop... I'd like to see a pub!"

Ideas like these often get more traction if they come from the library's users and not from self-interested librarians. It also helps to sign the anonymous suggestion with the initials of the library director's supervisor.

Words, Making up

Librarians are often riveting conversationalists because of their overuse of acronyms and library jargon. Another powerful, yet often overlooked, professional conversation tool is that of the made-up word. The trick is to take a normal word and add a suffix or two to it.

An example: find + able + ity = findability.

Can you find this word in a dictionary? No, it has no findability.

[Note: The editors invite their loyal readers to post their own made-up words in the comments section below.]

Savvy, Demonstrating your technical

Show your library's users that you are a modern, technologically-competent information professional by taking the following actions:

• Avoid the [enter] key and type your email messages in large, single-block paragraphs
• Name your files using the first line of your document's text (e.g., As a means of improving.doc)
• Print handouts for PowerPoint presentations... one-slide per page
• Double click on web links during presentations
  
• Leave the body of your email messages blank and type the entire content of your message in the subject line instead
  

Ninjas, (Not) Disturbing

If you wander down a hallway and happen upon a fellow librarian pantomiming martial arts moves in his office, it is best not to disturb this person.

Though it may look hilarious, don't laugh. Do your best to sneak away unnoticed and never mention it again. Your coworker may indeed be a ninja armed with throwing stars, a sword, and the ability to rip out your heart with his bare hands. Better to err on the side of caution.