Student library workers, On feeling their pain

College tuition rates have skyrocketed since you were an undergraduate student...by an exponential margin. Remember to express sympathy to the student workers in your library by saying such condescending things as "I only ate half of my sandwich, do you want the rest?" and "I know your family is near the poverty level because of your tuition here, so would you like to look through this bag before I drop it off at the Salvation Army?" Always make a sad face at the reference desk to imply that you understand how tough these kids have it today. You don't ever want to project the image that you are grossly out of touch with today's youth.

Expert, Becoming an

Develop an area of expertise and see the world on someone else's dime. By becoming an expert on something, you can get yourself invited to be a plenary speaker at library conferences, library school graduations, and circus freak shows.

Editor's note: Unfortunately for the editors of A Librarian's Guide to Etiquette, sarcasm is not a qualifying area of expertise.

Games, Playing

Many libraries have instituted gaming events where patrons are invited into the library to compete in Wii tournaments, World of Warcraft marathons, and Guitar Hero duels. The American Library Association and the Association for College and Research Libraries are once again behind the times with their glaring lack of arcade performance indicators in their information literacy standards.

Perhaps... "The information literate should be able to deliver a thunder clap to fell a Wailing Banshee."

Ask the readers: Got a gamy suggestion for the ACRL information literacy standards? Share it in the comments section below.

Booktrucks, Crashing

Every once in a while, a librarian will experience the infuriating and humiliating experience of turning over a cart loaded with books while patrons are watching. There are several acceptable ways to handle this situation:

• Fake an epileptic seizure.
  
• Pretend that you did it in a fit of rage. (Stomp a few of the books for dramatic effect.)
• Jump aboard the cart and ride it out the front door.
  
• Walk away and leave it for someone else to clean up.
• Swear.

Kids, On not bringing yours into the office

It's a time-honored tradition to bring your kids (the smaller and cuter, the better) to work with you in an attempt to avoid doing any meaningful work while co-workers go apeshit over their precious precociousness. Avoid doing this, though, if you don't want people to think that you're a complete asshole. Bringing your kids to work means that when you fuck something up, nobody can really tell you off because you'll have your young, impressionable tots to shield you from any verbal confrontations. It also means that while you're making the rounds and introducing your brats to the entire HR staff (and whomever else happens to be in the office that day) you're allowed to not do any real work, necessitating that your much smarter childless co-workers will have to take up the slack. Having a bullet-proof reason to be in the office while doing jack shit all day will only make everybody hate you more you Starbucks-drinking, SUV-driving, Dave Matthews-listening loser.

Spelling, Checking your

Always double-, triple-, and quadruple-check your spelling before posting flyers, web pages, and other advertisements for your library's special events. Otherwise you might be surprised by the clientele at your library's midnight Hairy Pooter release party.

Reference, Redefining

When writing haikus about the reference desk, a librarian must face the question: does the word reference have three syllables (ref' er ens) or two (ref' rens)? Unsure? Avoid the question altogether by assigning the desk a more up-to-date name. Some examples:

• Research Consultation and Referral Desk (11 syllables)
• Information Commons Control Center (10 syllables)
• The Place Where the Magic Happens (8 syllables)
• Center of the Universe (7 syllables)
• Concierge (2 syllables)

Want to try your hand at writing a reference desk (... or whatever you want to call it) -inspired haiku? Give it a shot in the comments section below.

Computer screens, Touching

When helping library patrons with computer-related problems, be sure to touch your finger to their computer screens. This is especially important when patrons are using their own laptops. The greasy fingerprints you leave on their screens will serve as reminders of "where to click" once they leave and are no longer within reach of your pointing extremities.

Coworkers, Diagnosing the mental health of your

With your idle time at the reference desk, use the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders to analyze the mental health of your library coworkers. They're all in there somewhere. (And so are you.)

Ask the readers: Is there a prevalence of one particular mental disorder at your library? (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Asperger's? Borderline Personality Disorder?) Let us know in the comments section below.

The Media, On Saturating mercilessly with regards to your supposed hipness

It's not enough to get national media attention in the New York Times for being a young librarian who doesn't fit all of the dumb, tired stereotypes so make sure that you make your presence as ubiquitous as possible by yakking to every reporter in the New York area about your little group hangout in Disgusting, Irritating, Self-Entitled Hipster Hell (aka Williamsburg and Greenpoint). And as for trying to remake the image of the typical librarian, how about not going out of your way to tell the entire journalistic world 'See, we're normal. We leave our houses just like you do. Really, we do.'

Team Blog, On Not posting on one for almost one whole calendar year

Create mystery and give yourself an artifical sense of importance by not posting on a blog of which you are a team member for long periods of time (preferably for at least one year). New readers will wonder who you are and spastically search through your old posts in order to get a sense of what you stand for and for whom you voted in 2004. Old readers will try to score hipness points by saying 'Oh, yeah, I remember that guy. I always knew there was more than one person running that g*dd*mned blog.' The oldest readers, though, will chime in and remind everyone that there were actually 3 original bloggers here and that the poster formerly known as 'El Señor' passed away after making only a single post in January of 2005. The body was never found.

Hipster status, Determining your

If you think you might be a hipster librarian, but you're not exactly sure, ask yourself the following question: "Do I socialize with other librarians?"

If you answered yes to this question, you are probably not as hip as you think you are.

Nemesis, Choosing a

Every librarian should identify a nemesis within their library. This person can bear the brunt of all your frustration, moaning, and general ill will. Think of this colleague, patron, or pesky employee as the mascot for your misery. No search committee required.

Breakfast party, Choosing food for a

Some foods should be avoided for breakfast potluck parties at your library. Some examples include: potato salad, Doritos, and cigarettes. Sometimes it's better to bring nothing at all.

Dreams, Describing your

Never give a library coworker a play-by-play account of last night's dream. It's never as interesting to the other person as it is to you. Exceptions can be made for sexuality explicit or graphically violent dreams involving a boss or a common enemy.

Job titles, Sharing

A librarian should always spare non-librarians from hearing their actual job titles. No one cares that you are the "Coordinator for Interlibrary Loan, Resource Sharing, and Document Delivery Services." Saying "librarian" will be sufficiently boring.

Ask the readers: Share your unusually long (yet official) job title in the comments section below.

Graphic novels, Embracing

Every library has at least one librarian who is a graphic novel enthusiast. This person will argue vehemently for a new graphic novel collection for your library. Give him a paltry budget to spend each year just to shut him up. It will be money well spent.

Reference desk time, Idle

Librarians sometimes have down time at the reference desk when business is slow, but there is no clear consensus on how that idle time should be spent. Is it better to be productive (and perhaps distracted) or unoccupied (and perhaps bored)?

Should a librarian bring office work to do at the desk? Or is it appropriate to read a book or a newspaper? Should a librarian stare into space? Leer at patrons? Should a librarian knit? Balance a checkbook? Clip fingernails?

Today, we ask the readers: What do you do with your down time at the reference desk? Post your answers in the comments section below.

Beanie Babies, Decorating with

Librarians should be aware that there is a limit to the number of Beanie Babies that may be tastefully used to decorate one's workspace. That limit is zero.

Files, Organizing your

Save all of your electronic files to your computer's desktop. A screen filled with overlapping icons will no doubt serve as testament to your ability to organize information and will instill confidence with your library patrons who've been wasting their time with folders and organized file structures.