Student library workers, On feeling their pain

College tuition rates have skyrocketed since you were an undergraduate student...by an exponential margin. Remember to express sympathy to the student workers in your library by saying such condescending things as "I only ate half of my sandwich, do you want the rest?" and "I know your family is near the poverty level because of your tuition here, so would you like to look through this bag before I drop it off at the Salvation Army?" Always make a sad face at the reference desk to imply that you understand how tough these kids have it today. You don't ever want to project the image that you are grossly out of touch with today's youth.

Expert, Becoming an

Develop an area of expertise and see the world on someone else's dime. By becoming an expert on something, you can get yourself invited to be a plenary speaker at library conferences, library school graduations, and circus freak shows.

Editor's note: Unfortunately for the editors of A Librarian's Guide to Etiquette, sarcasm is not a qualifying area of expertise.

Games, Playing

Many libraries have instituted gaming events where patrons are invited into the library to compete in Wii tournaments, World of Warcraft marathons, and Guitar Hero duels. The American Library Association and the Association for College and Research Libraries are once again behind the times with their glaring lack of arcade performance indicators in their information literacy standards.

Perhaps... "The information literate should be able to deliver a thunder clap to fell a Wailing Banshee."

Ask the readers: Got a gamy suggestion for the ACRL information literacy standards? Share it in the comments section below.

Booktrucks, Crashing

Every once in a while, a librarian will experience the infuriating and humiliating experience of turning over a cart loaded with books while patrons are watching. There are several acceptable ways to handle this situation:

• Fake an epileptic seizure.
  
• Pretend that you did it in a fit of rage. (Stomp a few of the books for dramatic effect.)
• Jump aboard the cart and ride it out the front door.
  
• Walk away and leave it for someone else to clean up.
• Swear.

Kids, On not bringing yours into the office

It's a time-honored tradition to bring your kids (the smaller and cuter, the better) to work with you in an attempt to avoid doing any meaningful work while co-workers go apeshit over their precious precociousness. Avoid doing this, though, if you don't want people to think that you're a complete asshole. Bringing your kids to work means that when you fuck something up, nobody can really tell you off because you'll have your young, impressionable tots to shield you from any verbal confrontations. It also means that while you're making the rounds and introducing your brats to the entire HR staff (and whomever else happens to be in the office that day) you're allowed to not do any real work, necessitating that your much smarter childless co-workers will have to take up the slack. Having a bullet-proof reason to be in the office while doing jack shit all day will only make everybody hate you more you Starbucks-drinking, SUV-driving, Dave Matthews-listening loser.

Spelling, Checking your

Always double-, triple-, and quadruple-check your spelling before posting flyers, web pages, and other advertisements for your library's special events. Otherwise you might be surprised by the clientele at your library's midnight Hairy Pooter release party.

Reference, Redefining

When writing haikus about the reference desk, a librarian must face the question: does the word reference have three syllables (ref' er ens) or two (ref' rens)? Unsure? Avoid the question altogether by assigning the desk a more up-to-date name. Some examples:

• Research Consultation and Referral Desk (11 syllables)
• Information Commons Control Center (10 syllables)
• The Place Where the Magic Happens (8 syllables)
• Center of the Universe (7 syllables)
• Concierge (2 syllables)

Want to try your hand at writing a reference desk (... or whatever you want to call it) -inspired haiku? Give it a shot in the comments section below.