Unexpected, Expecting the

Librarians should not waste time preparing for library instruction sessions. It is a law of librarianship that a teaching faculty member will always ask something random and unrelated of you in the middle of your guest lecture to the class. With little or no warning, you'll be asked to spend 30-45 minutes demonstrating how to do mail merge in Microsoft Word?

Ask the readers: What is the most random, unrelated thing you've been asked to demonstrate on the fly in the middle of a library instruction session?

Whistler, Being a

Do not whistle in your library. No one likes a joyful whistler. If you whistle before 9 a.m., know that your coworkers are plotting against you.

Exceptions include: wolf whistles, whistling to get a subordinate's attention, and chronically congested nasal whistling.

Restrooms, Soliciting in

Do not use foot taps and under-the-stall hand gestures in your library's public restroom to solicit sex from strangers. Do like the rest of us and use the less ambiguous, half-literate wall graffiti to make an appointment.

Student library workers, On feeling their pain

College tuition rates have skyrocketed since you were an undergraduate student...by an exponential margin. Remember to express sympathy to the student workers in your library by saying such condescending things as "I only ate half of my sandwich, do you want the rest?" and "I know your family is near the poverty level because of your tuition here, so would you like to look through this bag before I drop it off at the Salvation Army?" Always make a sad face at the reference desk to imply that you understand how tough these kids have it today. You don't ever want to project the image that you are grossly out of touch with today's youth.

Expert, Becoming an

Develop an area of expertise and see the world on someone else's dime. By becoming an expert on something, you can get yourself invited to be a plenary speaker at library conferences, library school graduations, and circus freak shows.

Editor's note: Unfortunately for the editors of A Librarian's Guide to Etiquette, sarcasm is not a qualifying area of expertise.

Games, Playing

Many libraries have instituted gaming events where patrons are invited into the library to compete in Wii tournaments, World of Warcraft marathons, and Guitar Hero duels. The American Library Association and the Association for College and Research Libraries are once again behind the times with their glaring lack of arcade performance indicators in their information literacy standards.

Perhaps... "The information literate should be able to deliver a thunder clap to fell a Wailing Banshee."

Ask the readers: Got a gamy suggestion for the ACRL information literacy standards? Share it in the comments section below.

Booktrucks, Crashing

Every once in a while, a librarian will experience the infuriating and humiliating experience of turning over a cart loaded with books while patrons are watching. There are several acceptable ways to handle this situation:

• Fake an epileptic seizure.
  
• Pretend that you did it in a fit of rage. (Stomp a few of the books for dramatic effect.)
• Jump aboard the cart and ride it out the front door.
  
• Walk away and leave it for someone else to clean up.
• Swear.