Nominating, Self-

Never nominate yourself for an award or prize even if self-nominations are encouraged. Such egotistical gestures are undignified, vain, and narcissistic. Instead, delegate this task to one of your subordinates.

SLA Division and Chapter websites, On wrecking as much as possible

There's no better way to represent your gnarly web organization and design skills than to volunteer to manage the website(s) of an SLA Divison or Chapter. Make sure that most of the 'newsy' announcements are at least six months out of date, that the links don't work (especially the important ones) and that you organize the info not with fancy Flash or Java functions, but rather with crappy looking tables and low-resolution photos and buttons. Furthermore, make sure that you guilt trip your fellow librarians into paying the astronomical association dues in order to maintain such a visual bounty of awesomeness. We wouldn't want to have to host those fuckers on a Geocities site with banner ads for spy cameras, would we?

Library 2.0, Believing in

Never admit that Library 2.0 doesn't really exist. To do so is to admit that the emperor has no clothes cardigan.

-- Posted from Internet Librarian 2007

Library 2.0, Embracing

A new version of the Internet (version 2.0) is now available. Libraries are now free to abandon the first one.

-- Posted from Internet Librarian 2007.

Wikis, On pretending to give a shit that they exist

Make sure that you fool your bosses (who are a million times more technophobic than your grandparents) into thinking that you are 'up on technology' by making reference to Wikis and RSS content as if they really mattered. In the old days before either of those things, librarians were constantly referring to listservs and internet bulletin boards and before that they were probably referring to modems and electronic mail. There's nothing more amusing than seeing the look on the faces of your boss(es) when they pretend to a)know what you're talking about and b)act like this bold new technology will revolutionize [fill in the blank] at the library. Every once in a while, make something up and watch their faces light up when you claim that there's a software company working on a product that will [fill in the blank] and that it's gonna be so awesome and that they should do a web search on that product to familiarize themselves with it before it becomes the next trend. Your boss will be too embarassed to admit that he/she didn't find anything about it online and will probably lie and say that they read a Wired column about it. Then go outside and cry softly into a handkerchief or a tissue.

Conferences, Blogging

Blogging at a library conference is a great way to avoid going outside and seeing exciting new places. Don't worry, you can always read about those places on other people's blogs after you get back home.

Clothing, "Librarian"

A librarian should never wear a t-shirt that has the word librarian on it. It's too obvious. Let your social awkwardness and appliquéd vest speak for themselves.