Devil, Advocating for the

A librarian should realize that the devil has very little concern for the display of the detailed record in the library's online catalog.

While you may be claiming to be the "devil's advocate" in your committee meeting, you're actually just being a cantankerous douche.

Co-Workers, On ways to annoy the annoying ones

After compiling a mental list of annoying co-workers, find out what irks the living daylights out of each one and then proceed to do that thing. Do it as often and obnoxiously as possible. Do it every day. Don't just do it, amuse yourself by thinking of doing it again. Do it for yourself. Do it for librarianship. Do it for the kid who was born without an immune system. Do it for your country. Do it for me!

Infections, Resisting

Librarians should disinfect public workstations and telephones after each use to avoid the spread of MRSA and other staph infections.

Recognize, however, that no amount of Lysol can remove your library's staff infection.

Friends, Making

A librarian should never reject the friendship of another person in the social networking Library 2.0 online environment. There are lots of perverts out there who need "friends" too.

Silly, Twittering yourself

Librarians who participate in the Web 2.0-world of Twitter, should heed these general etiquette rules:

1. Set up a second Twitter account for your anonymous self.
2. Recognize that this activity is not considered working.
3. Always wash your hands after you tweet.
4. Never shit where you tweet.
5. Make your twitter updates as mundane as humanly possible.
   

Much like fornicating and drinking, one may tweet alone, but it is more fun to do it with someone else... the more, the merrier.

Nominating, Self-

Never nominate yourself for an award or prize even if self-nominations are encouraged. Such egotistical gestures are undignified, vain, and narcissistic. Instead, delegate this task to one of your subordinates.

SLA Division and Chapter websites, On wrecking as much as possible

There's no better way to represent your gnarly web organization and design skills than to volunteer to manage the website(s) of an SLA Divison or Chapter. Make sure that most of the 'newsy' announcements are at least six months out of date, that the links don't work (especially the important ones) and that you organize the info not with fancy Flash or Java functions, but rather with crappy looking tables and low-resolution photos and buttons. Furthermore, make sure that you guilt trip your fellow librarians into paying the astronomical association dues in order to maintain such a visual bounty of awesomeness. We wouldn't want to have to host those fuckers on a Geocities site with banner ads for spy cameras, would we?

Library 2.0, Believing in

Never admit that Library 2.0 doesn't really exist. To do so is to admit that the emperor has no clothes cardigan.

-- Posted from Internet Librarian 2007

Library 2.0, Embracing

A new version of the Internet (version 2.0) is now available. Libraries are now free to abandon the first one.

-- Posted from Internet Librarian 2007.

Wikis, On pretending to give a shit that they exist

Make sure that you fool your bosses (who are a million times more technophobic than your grandparents) into thinking that you are 'up on technology' by making reference to Wikis and RSS content as if they really mattered. In the old days before either of those things, librarians were constantly referring to listservs and internet bulletin boards and before that they were probably referring to modems and electronic mail. There's nothing more amusing than seeing the look on the faces of your boss(es) when they pretend to a)know what you're talking about and b)act like this bold new technology will revolutionize [fill in the blank] at the library. Every once in a while, make something up and watch their faces light up when you claim that there's a software company working on a product that will [fill in the blank] and that it's gonna be so awesome and that they should do a web search on that product to familiarize themselves with it before it becomes the next trend. Your boss will be too embarassed to admit that he/she didn't find anything about it online and will probably lie and say that they read a Wired column about it. Then go outside and cry softly into a handkerchief or a tissue.

Conferences, Blogging

Blogging at a library conference is a great way to avoid going outside and seeing exciting new places. Don't worry, you can always read about those places on other people's blogs after you get back home.

Clothing, "Librarian"

A librarian should never wear a t-shirt that has the word librarian on it. It's too obvious. Let your social awkwardness and appliquéd vest speak for themselves.

Efficiency, Being Blindsided by

Occasionally a routinely slow library process or operation will work efficiently and smoothly. When this happens, promptly tidy your hair and begin to look around for the hidden camera. You're likely being gagged for one of those practical joke television shows.

Sausages, Picking

It is never appropriate, under any circumstances, for a librarian to pick the toppings from the unserved pizza at your library's student appreciation party. If you have a tendency to molest other people's sausages, it is probably best to keep your hands in your pockets.

Provocative, Being

Be a library provocateur by making bold statements like:

• Library instruction doesn't work.
• Library catalogs are obsolete.
• Reference is dead.
• Librarianship is not a science.
• Google wins.

Be careful not to be too provocative, lest you run the risk of talking yourself out of your cushy job.

Alcohol, On consuming during lunch hour

When the local wine store has a free wine tasting, plan your lunch hour around it and suck down as much Jesus Juice as you can before stumbling back to your cubicle. Careful not to have too much (or to have too many Guinness Stouts at the local Irish Pub, for that matter), though, because you might start finding the patrons attractive and make an awkward, drunken pass at them. This might get you fired (or laid, which would be a much better outcome).

Stuff, On taking as much as you can home when things go bad

Once the newness of your library job wears off, and unhappiness starts to set in, quantify your dissatisfaction by taking home anything that is not nailed down to the counters. After something bad happens, like a fight with a co-worker, a freeze on wage increases, your boss is an ass, etc., go to the supply cabinet and take stuff home. Go on, take it. It will make you feel better and really, isn't that what life is all about?

Unexpected, Expecting the

Librarians should not waste time preparing for library instruction sessions. It is a law of librarianship that a teaching faculty member will always ask something random and unrelated of you in the middle of your guest lecture to the class. With little or no warning, you'll be asked to spend 30-45 minutes demonstrating how to do mail merge in Microsoft Word?

Ask the readers: What is the most random, unrelated thing you've been asked to demonstrate on the fly in the middle of a library instruction session?

Whistler, Being a

Do not whistle in your library. No one likes a joyful whistler. If you whistle before 9 a.m., know that your coworkers are plotting against you.

Exceptions include: wolf whistles, whistling to get a subordinate's attention, and chronically congested nasal whistling.

Restrooms, Soliciting in

Do not use foot taps and under-the-stall hand gestures in your library's public restroom to solicit sex from strangers. Do like the rest of us and use the less ambiguous, half-literate wall graffiti to make an appointment.