Climate, Controlling the

If the temperature inside your library dips below 67 degrees Fahrenheit (brr!), it is perfectly acceptable to dress like a homeless person and build a bonfire in the nearest recycling bin.

Up, Catching

Always assume that your library coworkers want the short version of your answer to the obligatory question, "How was your holiday break?"

Some sample short answers that will suffice:

• "Okay."
• "Pretty good."
• "Too short."
• "Kind of sad... my _____ died."
• "I'm an atheist."

Potluck lunch, Celebrating with a

Librarians should celebrate the holiday season with an office potluck lunch. Nothing honors the baby Jesus's birth like a lukewarm casserole.

Work, On dumping a whole bunch of yours onto someone else's desk the day before you go away on vacation which also happens to be MY day off

Go ahead and leave a nice healthy pile of work on my desk the day before you go away for a couple of weeks, you sniveling coward. Make sure that you do all of the easy stuff and leave me to do the work with the highest ass-pain-to-hours-it-takes-to-complete ratio. Go ahead, I won't mind. But be warned, if I find another gig while you're gone, I'm going to shred the work and leave it on your desk in a big plastic bag. Odds are that won't happen so, instead, you better not leave behind anything of yours that is easily breakable. I'm sure those cheap trinkets on your desk would be impossible to replace.

Devil, Advocating for the

A librarian should realize that the devil has very little concern for the display of the detailed record in the library's online catalog.

While you may be claiming to be the "devil's advocate" in your committee meeting, you're actually just being a cantankerous douche.

Co-Workers, On ways to annoy the annoying ones

After compiling a mental list of annoying co-workers, find out what irks the living daylights out of each one and then proceed to do that thing. Do it as often and obnoxiously as possible. Do it every day. Don't just do it, amuse yourself by thinking of doing it again. Do it for yourself. Do it for librarianship. Do it for the kid who was born without an immune system. Do it for your country. Do it for me!

Infections, Resisting

Librarians should disinfect public workstations and telephones after each use to avoid the spread of MRSA and other staph infections.

Recognize, however, that no amount of Lysol can remove your library's staff infection.