Insane, On slowly driving your boss

Any time your boss asks you to send him/her a link to something obvious such as Google, Yahoo or AOL, send this link instead. Not only is it the wrong link, but you will most certainly release an assload of endorphins in your own brain knowing that your boss probably sifted through a few nuggets such as "How, the first time KITT was wrecked, they called in hundreds of scientists and engineers to fix him, but the last time, they did it in a garage with some kids from auto shop?" Ponder that, boss man, ponder that.

Internet, Hilariously renaming the

Demonstrate your comedic genius by cleverly renaming the Internet in your everyday library conversations. Your library coworkers will marvel at your zany wit every time you coin a crazy mix'em-up phrase like interweb, information highway, or the internets.

Sick sense of humor, On having a

Respond to every reference question with the following phrase "Well, let me check Wikipedia..." This will amuse you while alarming the library patron. Repeat as needed.

Containers, Approving

Place arbitrary restrictions on the types of drinking containers your library patrons can use.

Patrons need rules, restrictive signage, and librarian "cup cops" to keep them from making a mockery of our profession.


Ask the Readers: Cup cops? Beverage bobbies? Who enforces your library's "approved container" rules?

Climate, Controlling the

If the temperature inside your library dips below 67 degrees Fahrenheit (brr!), it is perfectly acceptable to dress like a homeless person and build a bonfire in the nearest recycling bin.

Up, Catching

Always assume that your library coworkers want the short version of your answer to the obligatory question, "How was your holiday break?"

Some sample short answers that will suffice:

• "Okay."
• "Pretty good."
• "Too short."
• "Kind of sad... my _____ died."
• "I'm an atheist."

Potluck lunch, Celebrating with a

Librarians should celebrate the holiday season with an office potluck lunch. Nothing honors the baby Jesus's birth like a lukewarm casserole.