Bowels, Your

Don't be the librarian who continuously discusses your Crohn's Disease, irritable bowel syndrome, and chronic diarrhea with your library coworkers. Keep that shit to yourself.

Love, Declaring your

Librarians should not embarrass themselves on Valentine's Day by declaring their love for the Fed-Ex delivery guy.

Directional questions, Answering

Reference librarians should never admit that a large percentage of their work days are spent telling people how to get to their library's restrooms.

Student workers, Delegating tasks to

Sometimes the time and effort spent delegating a task to one of your library's student workers can take longer and involve more work than just doing the task yourself. Before delegating any task to a student worker, it is often beneficial to ask, "Are you retarded?"

Insane, On slowly driving your boss

Any time your boss asks you to send him/her a link to something obvious such as Google, Yahoo or AOL, send this link instead. Not only is it the wrong link, but you will most certainly release an assload of endorphins in your own brain knowing that your boss probably sifted through a few nuggets such as "How, the first time KITT was wrecked, they called in hundreds of scientists and engineers to fix him, but the last time, they did it in a garage with some kids from auto shop?" Ponder that, boss man, ponder that.

Internet, Hilariously renaming the

Demonstrate your comedic genius by cleverly renaming the Internet in your everyday library conversations. Your library coworkers will marvel at your zany wit every time you coin a crazy mix'em-up phrase like interweb, information highway, or the internets.

Sick sense of humor, On having a

Respond to every reference question with the following phrase "Well, let me check Wikipedia..." This will amuse you while alarming the library patron. Repeat as needed.