Feng Shui, Practicing

A librarian should always position his or her computer monitor so that its screen is not observable by casual passers-by. Viewing online pornography at work can create a hostile work environment if other people can see it too.

Dressing, On how to use as a torture device

All librarians are notoriously bad dressers (even the ones who think they look ok) so suddenly dressing and grooming yourself in a professional and appealing manner will serve as one hell of a tool for terrorizing your boss. Most library managers are massively insecure and seeing an old employee suddenly look good will make them think that you are looking for another job or even possibly in the process of interviewing. That will create work down the line for your boss as he/she scrambles to start their own interviewing process thereby making it impossible for them to take a 3-hour 'lunch.' Note: possible consequences might include the boss taking time out from his/her incredibly busy day to talk to you more often than usual in an effort to find out what the hell is going on with you and all your fancy suits. Play your cards right and never deny (or admit) anything. This should make up for the pathetic raise you got last year.

Men, bonus points for wearing hats like the gents in the pic.

Wikipedia, Bemoaning

A librarian should never give a presentation without making an uncomfortable reference to patrons' use of Wikipedia. It helps if you claim to do this from atop your soapbox.

Goodbye, Saying

Show your library colleagues how much you will miss them by giving a demonstration and lecture on the Reader's Guide to Periodical Literature as your retirement party speech. Then, ride off into the sunset on your booktruck.

National Library Week, Celebrating

It's National Library Week. Celebrate by taking a snort from the flask you keep in your fanny pack.

Fridays, Casual

Your library's "Casual Friday" dress code does not give you the license to wear sweatpants to work.

Odor, On dealing with the pungent stench of the guy sitting next to you

If your co-worker has a conscientious objection to using soap and water to wash him/herself and the odor makes you dizzy and suicidal, solve the problem by going down to the pharmacy and buying the strongest air-freshening product available. For added visual humor, buy one of those royal pine scented Car-Freshners and hang it near the offending stench factory.

Breasts, Looking at

When a fellow librarian tells you about a patron or coworker staring at her breasts, it is thereby acceptable for you to steal a glance at said breasts. But only for a second. Never touch them and say, "These?"

Bowels, Your

Don't be the librarian who continuously discusses your Crohn's Disease, irritable bowel syndrome, and chronic diarrhea with your library coworkers. Keep that shit to yourself.

Love, Declaring your

Librarians should not embarrass themselves on Valentine's Day by declaring their love for the Fed-Ex delivery guy.

Directional questions, Answering

Reference librarians should never admit that a large percentage of their work days are spent telling people how to get to their library's restrooms.

Student workers, Delegating tasks to

Sometimes the time and effort spent delegating a task to one of your library's student workers can take longer and involve more work than just doing the task yourself. Before delegating any task to a student worker, it is often beneficial to ask, "Are you retarded?"

Insane, On slowly driving your boss

Any time your boss asks you to send him/her a link to something obvious such as Google, Yahoo or AOL, send this link instead. Not only is it the wrong link, but you will most certainly release an assload of endorphins in your own brain knowing that your boss probably sifted through a few nuggets such as "How, the first time KITT was wrecked, they called in hundreds of scientists and engineers to fix him, but the last time, they did it in a garage with some kids from auto shop?" Ponder that, boss man, ponder that.

Internet, Hilariously renaming the

Demonstrate your comedic genius by cleverly renaming the Internet in your everyday library conversations. Your library coworkers will marvel at your zany wit every time you coin a crazy mix'em-up phrase like interweb, information highway, or the internets.

Sick sense of humor, On having a

Respond to every reference question with the following phrase "Well, let me check Wikipedia..." This will amuse you while alarming the library patron. Repeat as needed.

Containers, Approving

Place arbitrary restrictions on the types of drinking containers your library patrons can use.

Patrons need rules, restrictive signage, and librarian "cup cops" to keep them from making a mockery of our profession.


Ask the Readers: Cup cops? Beverage bobbies? Who enforces your library's "approved container" rules?

Climate, Controlling the

If the temperature inside your library dips below 67 degrees Fahrenheit (brr!), it is perfectly acceptable to dress like a homeless person and build a bonfire in the nearest recycling bin.

Up, Catching

Always assume that your library coworkers want the short version of your answer to the obligatory question, "How was your holiday break?"

Some sample short answers that will suffice:

• "Okay."
• "Pretty good."
• "Too short."
• "Kind of sad... my _____ died."
• "I'm an atheist."

Potluck lunch, Celebrating with a

Librarians should celebrate the holiday season with an office potluck lunch. Nothing honors the baby Jesus's birth like a lukewarm casserole.

Work, On dumping a whole bunch of yours onto someone else's desk the day before you go away on vacation which also happens to be MY day off

Go ahead and leave a nice healthy pile of work on my desk the day before you go away for a couple of weeks, you sniveling coward. Make sure that you do all of the easy stuff and leave me to do the work with the highest ass-pain-to-hours-it-takes-to-complete ratio. Go ahead, I won't mind. But be warned, if I find another gig while you're gone, I'm going to shred the work and leave it on your desk in a big plastic bag. Odds are that won't happen so, instead, you better not leave behind anything of yours that is easily breakable. I'm sure those cheap trinkets on your desk would be impossible to replace.