Crafty, Being

Librarians should try to carve out part of their library work days for knitting, crocheting, and needlework. Appropriate occasions for doing crafts include your reference desk shifts, staff meetings, and professional development workshops. If these subtle cries for help don’t work, try broadcasting your sexual frustration by starting one of those “I’m a knitting librarian” blogs.

Committees, Naming

How to name a library committee:

1. Pick a corny acronym.
2. Find words that loosely fit letters in acronym.
3. Form a subcommittee to look into changing the name of the committee to a fit a new corny acronym.

Ask the readers: What is your library's best committee acronym?

Given names, Eschewing

Never let anyone at your library call you by your first name. It is demeaning. You are a librarian and you command respect from both patrons and colleagues. You are a Mr. or a Ms. You should demand that your library’s plastic name tags reflect it.

Nothing stings like having someone call you by your given name as they ask you for directions to the toilet.

Patrons, Dating

Librarians should always consider their clientele as a potential dating pool. You never know... occasionally one of your homeless patrons just might be desperate enough to be seen in public with you.

Collections, Special

A good librarian should collect something. Anything. House your collection of unicorn figurines, Pez dispensers, or dog skulls in your library workspace to show your coworkers what a well-rounded individual you are.

Ask the readers: Got a coworker who collects weird stuff? Let us know in the comments section below.

Feng Shui, Practicing

A librarian should always position his or her computer monitor so that its screen is not observable by casual passers-by. Viewing online pornography at work can create a hostile work environment if other people can see it too.

Dressing, On how to use as a torture device

All librarians are notoriously bad dressers (even the ones who think they look ok) so suddenly dressing and grooming yourself in a professional and appealing manner will serve as one hell of a tool for terrorizing your boss. Most library managers are massively insecure and seeing an old employee suddenly look good will make them think that you are looking for another job or even possibly in the process of interviewing. That will create work down the line for your boss as he/she scrambles to start their own interviewing process thereby making it impossible for them to take a 3-hour 'lunch.' Note: possible consequences might include the boss taking time out from his/her incredibly busy day to talk to you more often than usual in an effort to find out what the hell is going on with you and all your fancy suits. Play your cards right and never deny (or admit) anything. This should make up for the pathetic raise you got last year.

Men, bonus points for wearing hats like the gents in the pic.