Reference desk, Timeliness at the

Librarians should be aware that showing up two minutes late for your reference desk shift will make your colleagues hate you. Your fellow librarians are petty people who measure their grievances in minutes and seconds.

Staff break room, Using the

Feel free to leave expired dairy products, decomposing produce, and months-old Mexican leftovers in the library’s staff refrigerator. Leave exploded gravy from your frozen Lean Cuisine lunch to dry on the interior walls of the staff microwave. Leave empty ice trays and dirty coffee mugs in the library’s break room sink for someone else to wash.

But never allow a patron to bring food or drink into the library. Patrons are filthy, dirty people.

Computer format wars, On taking sides and feeling important about it

Make sure that you make it perfectly clear to everybody around you that you prefer one computer format over the other in loud, snortling, condescending tones. If you hear someone in the distance mentioning having computer problems with a PC, go over to the person, shaking your head and rolling your eyes, and say something patronizing like "pssshaw, you use a PC?" and force an audible passive-aggressive laugh as you walk away. Then saunter off Dubya-style like a cowboy knowing that, even though you didn't invent the Mac, you are a far superior and smarter person for having purchased the better platform.

Innuendos, Using library

With the sexual harassment fuddy-duddies trying to ruin everyone’s fun, librarians are forced to get creative with library-related innuendos for their explicit workplace small talk. Some examples:

• I’ve got something he can check out!
• May I pull your call slip?
• I’d like to cite that in the bibliography.
• I think his index is cross-referenced.
• I think she’s got a little mildew in her special collections.
  

Ask the readers: Got any other library innuendos you’d like to share? Use the comments section below.

Tutorials, Creating online

If your library’s patrons are having a hard time navigating the wealth of information on the library web site, create online video tutorials to demonstrate some simulated searches. If your patrons can’t figure out how to use the tutorials, create a “How to use this tutorial” web page. You can then print this page and hand it to patrons when they wander to the desk and ask you how to search for information.

Hands, Washing your

Librarians who use waterless soap to repeatedly wash their hands should consider investing in disposable surgical gloves to keep germs at bay. One can never be too careful… there’s no telling who’s been rubbing their ass all over your keyboard.

Crafty, Being

Librarians should try to carve out part of their library work days for knitting, crocheting, and needlework. Appropriate occasions for doing crafts include your reference desk shifts, staff meetings, and professional development workshops. If these subtle cries for help don’t work, try broadcasting your sexual frustration by starting one of those “I’m a knitting librarian” blogs.