Cheezburger, U cannot haz

You are a librarian. An information professional. You are too old to be into lolcats. Seriously. Stop it.

Obsessive-compulsive, Being

If you are going to be an obsessive-compulsive librarian, at least try to be good at your job. Excessive incompetence isn't good for anyone.

Politics, Talking

A librarian should never talk politics at work. Especially if you work with a bunch of idiots who don't agree with your political views.

Ink pen diva, Being an

A good librarian should be fanatical about his or her preference in ink pens. Refuse to write with anything that doesn't meet the standards set by your pen of choice. Label your pens with your name so that people won't steal them. Leave decoy pens on your desk for others to borrow/take. Throw tantrums when your pens disappear. Berate the office secretary who accidentally orders your pens without the gel-grip.

Library administrators should be "pro-choice" when it comes to librarians' fanaticism with ink pens. The additional cost of each Pilot G-2 05 will be money well spent if it helps quell a librarian uprising.

Ask the readers: What is your favorite pen, and what makes it so special?

Reference desk (Part two), Timeliness at the

A professional librarian should publicly berate colleagues who show up two minutes late for a reference desk shift. How else will the offending librarian know that he or she is inhibiting your immediate need to get a candy bar from the staff vending machine?

Reference desk, Timeliness at the

Librarians should be aware that showing up two minutes late for your reference desk shift will make your colleagues hate you. Your fellow librarians are petty people who measure their grievances in minutes and seconds.

Staff break room, Using the

Feel free to leave expired dairy products, decomposing produce, and months-old Mexican leftovers in the library’s staff refrigerator. Leave exploded gravy from your frozen Lean Cuisine lunch to dry on the interior walls of the staff microwave. Leave empty ice trays and dirty coffee mugs in the library’s break room sink for someone else to wash.

But never allow a patron to bring food or drink into the library. Patrons are filthy, dirty people.