Rock you, We will

Librarians should follow the rock concert model and spend the first five minutes of each library instruction class with some music to get your students in the mood for research. Before the main attraction, offer up one of these motivational selections:

• "We Will Rock You" - Queen
• "Gonna Make You Sweat" - C+C Music Factory
• "Search & Destroy" -- Iggy and the Stooges
• "Whoomp! There It Is" - Tag Team
• Or any funeral dirge of your choice

Ask the Readers: What song would be a fitting introduction to YOUR library instruction classes?

Animal cruelty, Reporting incidents of

It is not necessary to contact PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) when your library administrators are beating a dead horse. On the other hand, a librarian should contact the authorities immediately if you catch someone spanking the monkey or choking a chicken in the library.

Cheezburger, U cannot haz

You are a librarian. An information professional. You are too old to be into lolcats. Seriously. Stop it.

Obsessive-compulsive, Being

If you are going to be an obsessive-compulsive librarian, at least try to be good at your job. Excessive incompetence isn't good for anyone.

Politics, Talking

A librarian should never talk politics at work. Especially if you work with a bunch of idiots who don't agree with your political views.

Ink pen diva, Being an

A good librarian should be fanatical about his or her preference in ink pens. Refuse to write with anything that doesn't meet the standards set by your pen of choice. Label your pens with your name so that people won't steal them. Leave decoy pens on your desk for others to borrow/take. Throw tantrums when your pens disappear. Berate the office secretary who accidentally orders your pens without the gel-grip.

Library administrators should be "pro-choice" when it comes to librarians' fanaticism with ink pens. The additional cost of each Pilot G-2 05 will be money well spent if it helps quell a librarian uprising.

Ask the readers: What is your favorite pen, and what makes it so special?

Reference desk (Part two), Timeliness at the

A professional librarian should publicly berate colleagues who show up two minutes late for a reference desk shift. How else will the offending librarian know that he or she is inhibiting your immediate need to get a candy bar from the staff vending machine?