Character, Being a library

Every library's personnel roster should include someone to fill each of the following character roles:

• the village idiot
  
• the insecure scholar
• the Pollyanna
  
• the skanky slut
  
• the pretty one

It is recommended to write these roles into people's job descriptions so that you don't end up with more than one idiot.

Ask the readers: What other characters belong on the library payroll?

Cartoons, Decorating with

Librarians should decorate their office doors (or cubicle walls) with cartoons strips. Be sure to label each cartoon with a proper APA citation, copyright notice, and a bibliography for further reading.

Guilty pleasures, Sharing your

Librarians often have guilty pleasures that belie their professional personas. Your unhealthy fascination with celebrity gossip magazines, World of Warcraft, hip hop music, romance novels, or prostitutes won't qualify as a guilty pleasure if you're shamelessly blogging about it at the reference desk.

Ask the readers: What is your biggest guilty pleasure?

ALA Annual Conference, How to pack for the

Before heading off to the American Library Association Annual Conference in Anaheim, be sure to pack the following items:

• Your favorite library-themed t-shirt

• Your laptop (for live blogging the Distance Learning Interest Group's business meeting)

• Your knitting (for times when you're not live blogging)

• An extra empty suitcase (for all that vendor swag)

• A bottle of your favorite liquor (for the "Web 2.0" drinking game)
  

SUDOC, Putting the "eww" in

A polite librarian should never correct a patron when he or she mistakenly asks to see your "government suppository" collection. Once the desired government document is checked out, the library has no business knowing how the patron plans to consume it.

Rock you, We will

Librarians should follow the rock concert model and spend the first five minutes of each library instruction class with some music to get your students in the mood for research. Before the main attraction, offer up one of these motivational selections:

• "We Will Rock You" - Queen
• "Gonna Make You Sweat" - C+C Music Factory
• "Search & Destroy" -- Iggy and the Stooges
• "Whoomp! There It Is" - Tag Team
• Or any funeral dirge of your choice

Ask the Readers: What song would be a fitting introduction to YOUR library instruction classes?

Animal cruelty, Reporting incidents of

It is not necessary to contact PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) when your library administrators are beating a dead horse. On the other hand, a librarian should contact the authorities immediately if you catch someone spanking the monkey or choking a chicken in the library.