Candy, Keeping

A good librarian will always keep a dish of jelly beans around for those occasions when a coworker will bring their kids or grandkids by the office. The kids will like you and remember you if you feed them sugary treats. If, by chance, you don't like kids, just lace the jelly beans with poison.

Emails, Sending flaming

It is generally not acceptable for librarians to send flaming, angry mass emails to their coworkers. Instead, try slapping your coworkers across the face. This direct, personal touch eliminates the electronic paper trail and leaves little room for misinterpretation.

Ask the readers: What inspired the most recent flaming email at your library?

Assignments, Writing Library

Librarians should make the instructions on library assignments as excruciatingly detailed as possible. Always assume that your students are mentally retarded and require phonetic spelling of big words like pir-e-ah-deh-kul and mi-kro-film.

Poop, Sharing a

Noisily pooping in a stall next door to a fellow (pooping) librarian colleague is an intimate and sometimes awkward event. As you both emerge from your stalls to wash your hands, break the tension by saying, "Well, that was the most productive I've been all day!"

Doodles, Passing time with

Librarians can pass the soul-crushing hours spent in committee meetings by doodling in the margins of their notepads. If you're looking for inspiration, consider doodling some of the following pictures:

• a reconfigured floorplan for your office or workspace
• caricatures of the other people in the room
  
• Pac-Man (eating bullet points)
  
• flowers and rainbows
  
• genitalia
  

Ask the readers: What do you doodle during library meetings?

URLs, Sharing

It is incumbent upon you as a good librarian to choke the obnoxiousness out of anyone who attempts to shorten "U-R-L" to "earl" in their everyday conversation. Keep a tight grip. It could take a while.

Close talker, Being a

If you insist on being a close-talker, do your library's patrons and your coworkers a favor and try to have good breath.