Quotation marks, "Unnecessary"

Forget what you learned in your "grammar" classes... a good librarian will sprinkle quotation marks liberally throughout his or her written and electronic correspondence to give certain words more "emphasis." You can also do this with your verbal communications, though beware of people who may mistake your emphatic gesture for sarcastic "dick fingers."

Meetings, Filibustering in

By learning Robert's Rules of Order and enforcing them in library-related meetings, a good librarian can act as parliamentarian and either a) learn to filibuster bad ideas and delay implementation with procedural motions, second readings, and votes or b) be totally obnoxious and get un-invited from future meetings.

Ask the readers: The editors will now accept motions from the floor (e.g., "I hereby move that...")

Vendors, Hating

Librarians should not hate library database vendors. Yes, they dress better than you and they get paid more than you, but they are miserable soulless people who deserve your compassion. Plus, they give you free ink pens.

Webinars, Library

Every time a librarian uses the word webinar, a little piece of his or her soul dies.

Banned books, Celebrating

A good librarian will celebrate freedom of information and the diversity of ideas by celebrating Banned Books Week at the library. The best way to do this is to round up all the really nasty books in your library and lock them all up in a glass display case.

Affirmations, Daily

Librarians should puff up their self esteem by reciting daily professionally-self-righteous affirmations, like...

• I promote literacy
• I support free speech
• I am an advocate for communities
• I am a defender of civil liberties
• I am an educator

Reminding yourself of your professional nobility will make you feel better about pissing away the afternoon reading blogs and goofing on Facebook.

Ask the readers: Share your own self-righteous library affirmations in the comments below.

Candy, Keeping

A good librarian will always keep a dish of jelly beans around for those occasions when a coworker will bring their kids or grandkids by the office. The kids will like you and remember you if you feed them sugary treats. If, by chance, you don't like kids, just lace the jelly beans with poison.