Ph.D, Getting your

There are only two reasons a librarian should get a Ph.D:

1. You are bored with being a librarian
2. You have some serious insecurities to overcome

Doubt, Giving the benefit of the

Always assume that patrons are using your library computers for legitimate, academic reasons. It is not uncommon for students to research...

• autobiographical communication perspectives in Facebook user profiles
• the effects of high bandwidth speed on illegal file sharing
• a "how they do it" demonstration on student plagiarism
• feminism and gender identity in pornographic depictions of big beautiful women
• a participative ethnographic study of librarians' hostility towards cell phones, loud iPod ear buds, and unapproved beverage containers
  

The, The

A polite librarian should always insert a the before proper names of Internet name brands. Demonstrating your familiarity with the Google, the Facebook, or the Twitter, is a good way to establish some internet-cred with the kids.

Shark, Jumping the

Librarians should be wary of jumping the shark when it comes to their use of technology. During its election night coverage, CNN introduced "hologram" interviews. And now, dear reader, sit back and wait for the first hologram reference librarian, hologram library instruction session, and vendor-sponsored holograminar... coming soon to a library near you.

Ask the readers: Have libraries already jumped the (technological) shark? If so, when? And how?

Quotation marks, "Unnecessary"

Forget what you learned in your "grammar" classes... a good librarian will sprinkle quotation marks liberally throughout his or her written and electronic correspondence to give certain words more "emphasis." You can also do this with your verbal communications, though beware of people who may mistake your emphatic gesture for sarcastic "dick fingers."

Meetings, Filibustering in

By learning Robert's Rules of Order and enforcing them in library-related meetings, a good librarian can act as parliamentarian and either a) learn to filibuster bad ideas and delay implementation with procedural motions, second readings, and votes or b) be totally obnoxious and get un-invited from future meetings.

Ask the readers: The editors will now accept motions from the floor (e.g., "I hereby move that...")

Vendors, Hating

Librarians should not hate library database vendors. Yes, they dress better than you and they get paid more than you, but they are miserable soulless people who deserve your compassion. Plus, they give you free ink pens.

Webinars, Library

Every time a librarian uses the word webinar, a little piece of his or her soul dies.

Banned books, Celebrating

A good librarian will celebrate freedom of information and the diversity of ideas by celebrating Banned Books Week at the library. The best way to do this is to round up all the really nasty books in your library and lock them all up in a glass display case.

Affirmations, Daily

Librarians should puff up their self esteem by reciting daily professionally-self-righteous affirmations, like...

• I promote literacy
• I support free speech
• I am an advocate for communities
• I am a defender of civil liberties
• I am an educator

Reminding yourself of your professional nobility will make you feel better about pissing away the afternoon reading blogs and goofing on Facebook.

Ask the readers: Share your own self-righteous library affirmations in the comments below.

Candy, Keeping

A good librarian will always keep a dish of jelly beans around for those occasions when a coworker will bring their kids or grandkids by the office. The kids will like you and remember you if you feed them sugary treats. If, by chance, you don't like kids, just lace the jelly beans with poison.

Emails, Sending flaming

It is generally not acceptable for librarians to send flaming, angry mass emails to their coworkers. Instead, try slapping your coworkers across the face. This direct, personal touch eliminates the electronic paper trail and leaves little room for misinterpretation.

Ask the readers: What inspired the most recent flaming email at your library?

Assignments, Writing Library

Librarians should make the instructions on library assignments as excruciatingly detailed as possible. Always assume that your students are mentally retarded and require phonetic spelling of big words like pir-e-ah-deh-kul and mi-kro-film.

Poop, Sharing a

Noisily pooping in a stall next door to a fellow (pooping) librarian colleague is an intimate and sometimes awkward event. As you both emerge from your stalls to wash your hands, break the tension by saying, "Well, that was the most productive I've been all day!"

Doodles, Passing time with

Librarians can pass the soul-crushing hours spent in committee meetings by doodling in the margins of their notepads. If you're looking for inspiration, consider doodling some of the following pictures:

• a reconfigured floorplan for your office or workspace
• caricatures of the other people in the room
  
• Pac-Man (eating bullet points)
  
• flowers and rainbows
  
• genitalia
  

Ask the readers: What do you doodle during library meetings?

URLs, Sharing

It is incumbent upon you as a good librarian to choke the obnoxiousness out of anyone who attempts to shorten "U-R-L" to "earl" in their everyday conversation. Keep a tight grip. It could take a while.

Close talker, Being a

If you insist on being a close-talker, do your library's patrons and your coworkers a favor and try to have good breath.

Character, Being a library

Every library's personnel roster should include someone to fill each of the following character roles:

• the village idiot
  
• the insecure scholar
• the Pollyanna
  
• the skanky slut
  
• the pretty one

It is recommended to write these roles into people's job descriptions so that you don't end up with more than one idiot.

Ask the readers: What other characters belong on the library payroll?

Cartoons, Decorating with

Librarians should decorate their office doors (or cubicle walls) with cartoons strips. Be sure to label each cartoon with a proper APA citation, copyright notice, and a bibliography for further reading.

Guilty pleasures, Sharing your

Librarians often have guilty pleasures that belie their professional personas. Your unhealthy fascination with celebrity gossip magazines, World of Warcraft, hip hop music, romance novels, or prostitutes won't qualify as a guilty pleasure if you're shamelessly blogging about it at the reference desk.

Ask the readers: What is your biggest guilty pleasure?