Ph.D, Getting your

There are only two reasons a librarian should get a Ph.D:

1. You are bored with being a librarian
2. You have some serious insecurities to overcome

Doubt, Giving the benefit of the

Always assume that patrons are using your library computers for legitimate, academic reasons. It is not uncommon for students to research...

• autobiographical communication perspectives in Facebook user profiles
• the effects of high bandwidth speed on illegal file sharing
• a "how they do it" demonstration on student plagiarism
• feminism and gender identity in pornographic depictions of big beautiful women
• a participative ethnographic study of librarians' hostility towards cell phones, loud iPod ear buds, and unapproved beverage containers
  

The, The

A polite librarian should always insert a the before proper names of Internet name brands. Demonstrating your familiarity with the Google, the Facebook, or the Twitter, is a good way to establish some internet-cred with the kids.

Shark, Jumping the

Librarians should be wary of jumping the shark when it comes to their use of technology. During its election night coverage, CNN introduced "hologram" interviews. And now, dear reader, sit back and wait for the first hologram reference librarian, hologram library instruction session, and vendor-sponsored holograminar... coming soon to a library near you.

Ask the readers: Have libraries already jumped the (technological) shark? If so, when? And how?

Quotation marks, "Unnecessary"

Forget what you learned in your "grammar" classes... a good librarian will sprinkle quotation marks liberally throughout his or her written and electronic correspondence to give certain words more "emphasis." You can also do this with your verbal communications, though beware of people who may mistake your emphatic gesture for sarcastic "dick fingers."

Meetings, Filibustering in

By learning Robert's Rules of Order and enforcing them in library-related meetings, a good librarian can act as parliamentarian and either a) learn to filibuster bad ideas and delay implementation with procedural motions, second readings, and votes or b) be totally obnoxious and get un-invited from future meetings.

Ask the readers: The editors will now accept motions from the floor (e.g., "I hereby move that...")

Vendors, Hating

Librarians should not hate library database vendors. Yes, they dress better than you and they get paid more than you, but they are miserable soulless people who deserve your compassion. Plus, they give you free ink pens.