Circulation, Beware of

Library circulation departments are where the real crazies work. Don't mess with these people. They will do something to your car. Or unravel your cardigan.

Ask the readers: Which is the craziest department in your library?

Coffee, Fixing the

A polite librarian will sneak into the library staff's coffee stash, empty the Folgers Half-Caff canister, and refill it with the good stuff. You can make your library a better place.

Librarian, Being a librarian's

If a colleague calls you "a librarian's librarian," it is perfectly acceptable to punch him or her in the mouth.

Projecting, Overhead

Librarians can kick it old school by using an overhead projector and transparencies in their library instruction sessions. Print the transparencies from PowerPoint slides to show that you are being ironic.

Breaks, Taking

Happy, healthy librarians smoke cigarettes. Smoking librarians get more breaks, take longer breaks, and get outside the library several times per day.

Ph.D, Getting your

There are only two reasons a librarian should get a Ph.D:

1. You are bored with being a librarian
2. You have some serious insecurities to overcome

Doubt, Giving the benefit of the

Always assume that patrons are using your library computers for legitimate, academic reasons. It is not uncommon for students to research...

• autobiographical communication perspectives in Facebook user profiles
• the effects of high bandwidth speed on illegal file sharing
• a "how they do it" demonstration on student plagiarism
• feminism and gender identity in pornographic depictions of big beautiful women
• a participative ethnographic study of librarians' hostility towards cell phones, loud iPod ear buds, and unapproved beverage containers